Man, lost the love of your life, but you felt it was an easy ride? I'm not saying this to be cruel, but was it really, that easy?
...and now you're thinking of drinking again? If you're an alcoholic, it may not be, that easy.
It sounds like you need a design for living w/ out alcohol. I'm an AA'er and you've mentioned AA isn't for you, so I'd suggest finding another program of recovery.
I had to realize that the answer to my alcoholism, may not come from my own head. My own thoughts got me into this mess, I needed someone elses thoughts to get me out of it.
It can be done. You never have to drink again. The obsession can be removed as I'm living proof.
Kjell