I wasn't trying to bum you out or anything. You are taking huge steps to change your life and should be very proud of that. It was funny how you said earlier "It's like I'm almost two people, and the first one doesn't care that the other will suffer later on." That rang so true to me. I always worried about how I felt at that moment only to deal with the consequences later on. I would be down to 20 pills or whatever and say these have to last me x number of days and before you knew it I would only have 10 pills to last those same number of days.
I would also reward myself. Oh I have to mow the lawn or do grocery shopping or clean the house - well I will reward myself with a few extra pills. I could tell you at any time how many pills I had left. They meant everything to me. My whole day was consumed with how many do I have (counting/recounting checking/rechecking), when can I take another one, when can I get more, how can I sneak/buy some more. It took me a long time to be able to go into the bathroom at someone elses house without wanting to check the medicine cabinet and if I saw a pill bottle sitting out - forget it I had to see what was in it.
I was always too chicken to write a fake script, but I know plenty who have. There were times I would try to get my refill early and insurance wouldn't cover it. I got plenty of looks from pharmacists. Sitting in the parking lot at the pharmacy at 6:30am waiting for them to open at 7 and then not wanting to go in right at 7 because then I would look like a fiend so trying to wait a few extra minutes.
It is a horrible horrible way to live. It steals away so much of your life. You become a prisoner to it. It feels so good to break free of that cycle, but it takes effort. I go to meetings - lots of meetings. I am not saying you need that, but if you are having trouble give them a try. If not that maybe an addictions counselor or therapist. Whatever it takes to get your life back is worth doing.
Good luck to you. Take care.