[2Sunshine]

Hi Donald,

Unfortunately the heart of us women can be a confusing thing when we are bombarded with challenges and the feelings of insecurity--those things cause us to be resolute when we make up our minds. Who knows if there is hope...of course your heart hangs on that because of your desire for your wife. Sometimes we fool ourselves into believing that we can have our cake and eat it too.

the devastation of the see-saw makes us feel like we have no other choice but to give up. your wife is utterly disappointed and hurt--she feels as though you did the ultimate betrayal by relasping---after all the time, hope and energy that she put into giving the marraige another chance...it was already in her mind that that was the last chance...unfortunately you could not deduce that, with the delusion of your addiction. i just may be exactly where your wife is except my marraige did not have the longevity of working at it--my ah's addiction led him back to prison and the monogamy wasn't there as monumental thing. we suffered so many infractions that i equated it as the collateral damage of the Oklahoma Federal Building being that the damage and the loss was so great that only a memorial can be held there. all along i still hoped inside of me that my ah would come to his senses and stop putting our longevity at risk with his use. and i was so particular that i knew where i needed him to connect with me...in a deep, upclose, tight and personal manner where there would be no thing and no one that could come in between our love---that, he could not do on a consecutive manner and it was devastating to me Don. i gave up all hope and now just wanting him to acknowledge some thing honestly from prison, he could not do it, now Don i have nothing to say to him. sometimes we come to the end of our ropes---we fail to see the end that is in others when we are in our own worlds--that is a dagger in the making and continuance of any relationship.

i know that this is hard on you---but Don, you failed some things---have you reverted to tearful sorry, repentance in asking for her forgiveness? it may be what she needs from you--of course she doesn't trust you---she gave you the last ounce of faith that she had going to the counseling--she believed in you again--that is why she wanted to testify about it to the church--you caused her to believe again---then you hit her with a very hard blow---you have embarassed her and made her look like a fool to the ones that she did testify to--and her hopes had soared through the roof and made them come crashing down---i know that you know this but you must understand the effects that that had on her.

as the others of said--you must give it to God--children are resiliant and we bounce back and make it through the traumas of our childhoods---if you knew these things that your wife went though as a child--it would have been good for you to be careful in what you did and maybe offered her something other than what you gave her--but there is nothing that can be done about that now---where do you go from here and what to you do now? Pray Don...pray the serenity prayer and make it a focus--live for serenity, courage, wisdom and knowledge...that is where you focus your energies. not in regrets, would haves, should haves, and could haves. you doing the work to stay sober is not what she was/is looking for---she need/s/ed to know that her heart was a priority to you-------a priority Don-------you doing the works was not what was important----you working the marraige and keeping it safe was what mattered to her-----------she feels as if you will not be able to do that------forget your sobriety issues------that is what caused you to fail her heart--she doesn't want that to have value---but she may be going to the meetings to deal with her issues of co-depency. you may have to deal with the feeling of loosing your marraige---unfortunately you took the gamble and fell back in your addiction---time to look forward--force your eyes to look that way---you don't want to relaspe again--depression could do that--keep doing what you have to do to stay sober as mentioned above---keep hope alive---your children still will need you emotionally and need your present---prepare for what it means to be separated---you will have to adjust to living that way and you will need the strength and the tools to do that effectively and just keep moving forward. you never can predict the future, just speculate and that is wasted energy. what are the works/action that need to be taken---is there one last way to reach her heart? time is what she needs, connection, security---------not more promises about what you will or will not due---once trust is broken, repaired, and violated again----you are facing a pretty huge brick wall---that is why she has shut you out.

Take care of yourself Dan. Keep us posted. We are here for you and we are always listening.