SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

donald1960 · 07-22-2004, 07:35 AM

I am in (2) 12 step programs after my 1st relapse. NA and AA. I am trying to live my life a day at a time. However, its exstremely difficult. My wife of 10 years ( we have 2 children 5 & 7) approached me last summer stateing she wasnt happy. We had drifted appart. We both used pot since we were in our teens ( we are now in early 40's) after seeking counciling she quit pot - still drinks occaisionally but not recklessly or habitually. As our marraige councilling was not going successful I too quit and joined NA. I had a difficult time identifing with most in the meetings as there seemed to be alot of hard core drug addicts with criminal backrounds. After 30 days I went on on my own. My wife had retained an attorney. A letter was sent that she called off and agreed to a marraige workshop called Retouvaile. It was successful beyond my best hopes. However after 3 months of improvement in our relationship and 4 months of my sobriety I relapsed and started useing again. Our marital progress evaporated fast. I didnt want to admit I was an addict but have come to realize that I am. With all the charater dfects that come along with the use of pot; motivational, energy, jealousy, self- centerdness. My wife attributed our downward spiral to the pot but my disease refused to allow me to acknowledge this as the fact it was. She would no longewr diallouge wich had become our marraiges lifeline. After 2 months of the downward spiral she informed me she was done with the marraige and was seeking divorce. That was the wake up call I needed. I love my wife dearly. I have always believed us to be soulmates. We still attend mass on sundays with the children but she has distanced herself emotionally and seems to be resolute in the disolving of our marraige siting lack of trust in me. She states she will not be open minded to my efforts despite making at least one meeting a day and offering urine or whatever test she might want. I do believe the pot usage on both our behalfs ( compounded by financial troubles) caused us to come to dissolutionment in our marrage. I work the steps dilligently now and call my sponsor andd or members of my support group daily. As a firm beliver in God perhaps the first 3 steps are easier for me then most. Then again perhaps not. She says its too little to late. My words mean nothing. She has no trust and is not interested in giving the situation time to see if the changes will sustain. She is going to a Al-Anon meeting this week and I am looking at that as positively as I can. I am so fearfull that my family will be torn apart. The serenity prayer may work for me but what about my young children. She has not informed them yet. She has stated she is only interested in actions not words. Yet she says she will not change her mind wich I find confuseing. She appears so resolute and has informed all close friends that the she is resolute this time in seeking divorce. Just 3 months ago she wrote to our church wanting to speak in front of the congregation about how the Retouvaile program was saving our marraige.

Will going to Al-Anan meetings and seeing my consistant abstinence change her mind????? I am affraid she may be looking to getr support with regard to leaving the marraige as she has said all of her romantic relationships were with users of some form of substance. We've been togeather and monagamous for 12 years.

She has trust issues from childhood as a victim of physicall/ verball child abuse from her mom ( who is funding her divorce ) and was the victim of sexual abuse from ages 12-14 by her neighbor along with her 2 sisters. Both of which are gay. Also her father was and is a fall down/black out drunk and her parents divorced when she was in her late teens.

I want to stand by her even though she has broken my heart and shatterd my dreams. I am sad, dissapointed and bewilderd. Her prayes for my pot abstinence have been answerd but she says its "too little too late". As She says and I agree that where we are is exactly where God intends. But I am scared- no petrofied of loosing the most wonderfull women I've ever met. And more so the impact the divorce would/will have on our children. I am praying that Al-Anan will give some level of hope for my wife with regard to our marraige. I would agree to testing on a regular basis and sign off all rights to our home and children if I was to relapse again if she so choose. I'd cut my right arm off to save our marraige/family. Please help. Any advise will be greatly appreciated.

07-22-2004, 07:35 AM	#1 (permalink)
donald1960 Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Oceanside, NY Posts: 20	Is there any hope for my marraige????? I am in (2) 12 step programs after my 1st relapse. NA and AA. I am trying to live my life a day at a time. However, its exstremely difficult. My wife of 10 years ( we have 2 children 5 & 7) approached me last summer stateing she wasnt happy. We had drifted appart. We both used pot since we were in our teens ( we are now in early 40's) after seeking counciling she quit pot - still drinks occaisionally but not recklessly or habitually. As our marraige councilling was not going successful I too quit and joined NA. I had a difficult time identifing with most in the meetings as there seemed to be alot of hard core drug addicts with criminal backrounds. After 30 days I went on on my own. My wife had retained an attorney. A letter was sent that she called off and agreed to a marraige workshop called Retouvaile. It was successful beyond my best hopes. However after 3 months of improvement in our relationship and 4 months of my sobriety I relapsed and started useing again. Our marital progress evaporated fast. I didnt want to admit I was an addict but have come to realize that I am. With all the charater dfects that come along with the use of pot; motivational, energy, jealousy, self- centerdness. My wife attributed our downward spiral to the pot but my disease refused to allow me to acknowledge this as the fact it was. She would no longewr diallouge wich had become our marraiges lifeline. After 2 months of the downward spiral she informed me she was done with the marraige and was seeking divorce. That was the wake up call I needed. I love my wife dearly. I have always believed us to be soulmates. We still attend mass on sundays with the children but she has distanced herself emotionally and seems to be resolute in the disolving of our marraige siting lack of trust in me. She states she will not be open minded to my efforts despite making at least one meeting a day and offering urine or whatever test she might want. I do believe the pot usage on both our behalfs ( compounded by financial troubles) caused us to come to dissolutionment in our marrage. I work the steps dilligently now and call my sponsor andd or members of my support group daily. As a firm beliver in God perhaps the first 3 steps are easier for me then most. Then again perhaps not. She says its too little to late. My words mean nothing. She has no trust and is not interested in giving the situation time to see if the changes will sustain. She is going to a Al-Anon meeting this week and I am looking at that as positively as I can. I am so fearfull that my family will be torn apart. The serenity prayer may work for me but what about my young children. She has not informed them yet. She has stated she is only interested in actions not words. Yet she says she will not change her mind wich I find confuseing. She appears so resolute and has informed all close friends that the she is resolute this time in seeking divorce. Just 3 months ago she wrote to our church wanting to speak in front of the congregation about how the Retouvaile program was saving our marraige. Will going to Al-Anan meetings and seeing my consistant abstinence change her mind????? I am affraid she may be looking to getr support with regard to leaving the marraige as she has said all of her romantic relationships were with users of some form of substance. We've been togeather and monagamous for 12 years. She has trust issues from childhood as a victim of physicall/ verball child abuse from her mom ( who is funding her divorce ) and was the victim of sexual abuse from ages 12-14 by her neighbor along with her 2 sisters. Both of which are gay. Also her father was and is a fall down/black out drunk and her parents divorced when she was in her late teens. I want to stand by her even though she has broken my heart and shatterd my dreams. I am sad, dissapointed and bewilderd. Her prayes for my pot abstinence have been answerd but she says its "too little too late". As She says and I agree that where we are is exactly where God intends. But I am scared- no petrofied of loosing the most wonderfull women I've ever met. And more so the impact the divorce would/will have on our children. I am praying that Al-Anan will give some level of hope for my wife with regard to our marraige. I would agree to testing on a regular basis and sign off all rights to our home and children if I was to relapse again if she so choose. I'd cut my right arm off to save our marraige/family. Please help. Any advise will be greatly appreciated.