Phoenix, I'm glad I took the time to read through this. It triggered some memories of my XAH who is an emotional abuser. Not everything he does or says is abusive, but from 1 - 10, I'd rank him as a 5 on the offender scale. Definitely enough to be destructive.
My three daughters are often afraid to be themselves around their dad. He has a very subtle way of injecting his disappointment or disapproval. Sarcasm and humor are his tools for "disguising" his jabs. Each of my girls is affected by it, and each of them has her own way of attempting to please him. They've all learned how to not rock the boat around him.
This is something I work at helping them to understand about their dad. It's painful to hear their stories about their interactions with him...and to watch their fear when they're afraid they've disappointed him. It stirs up sadness in me and brings out my mama bear instincts at the same time.
In your "previous life"
did you ever work with children who were emotionally abused? This has made me wonder what resources are out there (books maybe) for helping children to understand and deal with a parent who is like this.