hi-
i am fairly new to recovery, but understand what you are feeling. My addict is/was my friend/girlfriend. We have been on and off for about 5 years. We were off when i found out she was living on the streets and addicted to heroin and crack. I sprang into action. i search for and found her, took her in and did all i could for her. after several weeks, we started bonding again and i fell for her all over, despite the addiction. she seemed a better person, believe it or not. she talked of getting help and starting a clean life with me. it became this fairy tale thing where we were brought back together and would live happily ever after.
in the meantime i started posting here and got a lot of replies. run, get out of it, its going to end bad. I read the words, but nothing could change how i felt about my gf. she had issues, she turned to drugs, she loved me, and needed me. i loved and needed her. we were having a great honeymoon, again, despite the addiction. why- because her needs were getting met.
slowly things started to change, then faster. until i had nothing left to give. financially and nearly emotionally. i was beaten down, tired, worn out. she went back to the streets. i looked for her. after a week out there she was ready to quit. she said, she needed help. tomorrow. tomorrow never came, but she was back with me and we continued the cycle. then, one day she left again and i didn't hear from her for 2 weeks.
all the while i was posting and posting. my life was upside down. it was killing me. i loved her so much, and couldnt stand to know what she was doing. i believed she loved me too, but was only confussed because of the drugs. surely her love was real. we spent so much time together, had such a close summer together, made plans for after recovery, it was going to be good.
i would read the replies over and over. i wanted to want to beleive them, but i couldn't. i wasn't ready. there was no way she didn't love me. there was no way she used me, consciously or not. i didn't want to say they were wrong, but i didn't want them to be right. in the end, the drugs won her and i was left a broken shell of myself alone.
there is pain and hurt on so many levels. it is not a normal break up. but after 2 weeks of her being gone, the fog is starting to clear. it is miraculous. i didn't even know i was ina fog until it started to lift. i think we become them and live in a similar shadow world. i guess what i am wanting to say is that 6 years is a long time and it is painfully hard to leave a relationship that is that long, but you seem to know what you need and want to do, but you are still attached to having him in your life, so it is hard to do it.
my childhood and issues landed me in this toxic relationship. i left good relationships before because they seemed to lack something. this toxic one has that somethnig, but lacks the good stuff. i have begun to learn that the good stuff is what matters. i am fortunate that she left me high and dry. she did something i was not ready to do myself. so, i realize this is much harder for you.
i am addicted to my addicts love, but i am suffering through the withdraw and starting to feel better. he was honest and told you he doesn't want rehab. so it is your choice. you can get off the roller coaster or keep going around and around. only you will get off when you are ready. there is NOTHING ANYONE said that could have changed my way of thinking. it had to happen in me, when the circumstances were right. when i was finally worn out and powerless.
you will get some great words here from people other than me, like i said, i am only just starting to recover. i was a tough case, read my old threads. i just refussed to get it. or it i did get it intellectually, my heart wasnt ready to let go. and no matter what positive words people wrote, they bounced off me. things will get better, you'll find someone who deserves your love and will love you back etc. i didnt care. i didnt want that. i wanted my gf back. the reality is, she's an addict and gone off living her life. i can remain attached to that and know i am unhappy deep down inside, or i can suffer through the loss and get through this hell to come out clean on the other side. i have finally started to choose that and you will too when you are ready. i still think about her every day, most of the day. i still love her and care about her, but i have to reclaim my life and live it for me.