I live in a large metropolitan city in an isolated little alcove of town.
My A drank in the party neighborhood. We had some mutual friends.
I was very well known for my career in the public eye, he was well known for his social drinking persona.
I would go to lunch with him in the day on that part of town, and I would get the most awful looks from people. It was years before I was able to piece it all together, and realize that, since I was at home with our son, he was able to use me in a multi-purpose scapegoat type of role.
It used to eat me alive. I would actually sit and ruminate and obsess, sometimes calling or texting him for hours demanding to have all the nonsense be made logical to me.
I stopped doing that.
I have no control over what anybody says, thinks, or does, unless it is me or my minor child.
I cannot make sense of years of stories and skewed perceptions and things that were misrepresented because it is crazy, and trying to make sense of it or sort it outmis crazy making.
I have found that some of the stuff I used to fret over was all in his presentation, or his drunken glassy eyed perception... For instance, I always assumed that one particular group of three friends who I used to be really tight with had taken his side, had hid things from me, had believed his lies. I began to ACT like an isolated person, being cold, maybe coming off a little suspicious. They do that to you...the bad As.
One day, after I had stopped going out and it had been some time, I ran into one of those friends at the grocery.
He asked how I was, and he asked if my A was still in my life. I said I had made some clear choices to change my life. I said I had shut him off, no contact. I said I was there for him when he wanted to get real and pursue health. I said it with strength, and readied myself for a barrage of back sassing over defense of the beloved A.
But, instead, he said,
"thank God. Good for you. He is so fun, but he is self destructing. I am glad you got out of it for now. He is impossible to deal with an any real level. I cant even imagine having a kid with him. We all had hoped that you kind of moved on somehow...You never know whether what he says is the truth or what, ya know..."
This person was just one of many who, over the years have panned out to be completely aware of what went on. They just assumed that I knew too, and that I was making the CHOICE to deal with it.
Its been a revelation..but there are still die hards, deep drinking pals, enablers. Standby go to bar sl**s. These ones make them selves obvious, and they have disappeared now that he is trying to be healthy. I do not care what they think. I know that life has a way of dishing what people need to balance their views and actions.
Maybe one day one of them will say, "Oh, wow...I wonder if this what --- was going through with him."
Maybe not. I am not holding my breath, but. I just have the mantra: If something creeps in there and tries to hijack my peace of mind, I just say ,"I have no control over that, what they think, do, or say." It kind of just takes the hot air out of the whole thing. Not your problem.