[AngelRachelle]

Have you ever been in a relationship..... that is so up and down. One moment your pining for your honey, but most moments you feel like you can't take him/her anymore???????? I'm so frustrated, Bern never allows me to talk or communicate, he is always the one that has to have the first and the last say and he treats me like a child. Granted, I'm 15 years younger than him, I don't feel he should do such. I can't wait until he gets back from the office each day, but when he gets back, I wish he would leave, because he just doesn't try to understand me.

He has got a MAJOR DRINKING PROBLEM, which he will not get help with and has promised me that he will stop/become sober, ever since I met him, unfortunately, I became pregnant less than three months after meeting him and we have been tied together. He promised me he would stop drinking before our baby son Brayden was born, but instead, he drinks more..We love having eachother to come home to at night, but are really questioning whether or not we are meant for eachother, because we are so different and cannot understand eachother, or shall I say he doesn't try to understand me.....I think that he is such a great guy, but in some cases the worst guy I've ever met or been with.

To top it off he is a workaholic. He loves work and money, more than his family, it has gotten to his head. He went through a bankcruptcy two years before he met me. I paid for him to move here to Colorado with me, open up his office (our brokerage business), new car, oh and everything in our home is owned by me, except for his clothes, shoes and a few personal items. I'm like his sugar mama and sometimes feel like his slave too.....

And why you ask am I telling you all of this, because I need some encouragement right now, or I think I might just run away.........

I have a beautiful baby with Bern and I love him very much, but his drinking is taking it's toll on me. I attend emotional management classes every Tuesday and my counselors are telling me he will never change, unless he wants to, and he tells me he wants to, but he doesn't do anything about it....He is so hooked and the sad thing is he would rather get drunk, then spend time with our son, which breaks my heart.........My counselors tell me I should leave him, but I want to stay at least until next year April (when our lease is up). It would be more financially wise and hopefully we could work things out so that we don't split up our family......I feel so bad for our son.....My counselors also told me that the reason I am searching for friends (online) is because that is what I need right now....Supportive friendship, because I don't get that from my relationship with my Fiance'.........

At the beginning of our relationship, we were so IN LOVE and in cloud nine, now it breaks my heart to actually admit that we may be a dieing flower......

Why does love have to be like this?????????? Why can't we all just love in peace and make eachother happy???????????

With Tears and sadness I write this. I'm usually the matchmaker for all of my friends and some family. In fact, I've been Bridesmaid 9 times at various weddings......but it is so pathedic that I can't even have a successful relationship myself. I've already been divorced once and now I have a baby to a man that I fear may never turn out to be my husband and soul mate, as earlier in our relationship I was sure of it that he was that.

Sorry for babbling.....I'm just beside myself. I've already called my Mom, Grandmother, Sister Amanda and a few friends and I still have so much emotion to get out.....I actually feel like screaming at the top of the lungs "DO I DESERVE THIS GOD?????????", but I refrain from questioning our Lord, as everything has a purpose.....

Awaiting a more simple carefree life.....

Many Blessings,

AngelRachelle