From dictionary.com....
Unmanageable: — adj
difficult or impossible to control, use, or manipulate
I am not the brightest bulb on the tree, and while going through the process of the Steps, I had looked up a lot of words in the dictionary, even if I thought I knew what the definition was. And I would always pick out the definition I could identify with and that applied to me and my alcoholism. This definition above applied to me real well.
Reading this particular post and all the replies is like reading my own story, I can identify and relate. I have learned not to compare.
I drank if it was a good day at work, kind of celebrating that I had a good day. I drank if it was a bad day at work, I'll show them. I stopped drinking hard stuff because I didn't think I could handle it as well as I could if I was drinking beer. Not that it mattered really because when ever I drank, even if I didn't mean to, I drank to get drunk. I'll only stop in to have one or two beers. Ya, at two o'clock in the AM they were telling me I had to leave because it was closing time. I drank before I was going to a party, gathering, wedding, funeral or whatever because I needed to be primed. I always made sure I had alcohol in my home to have more when I got back. I too had even stopped going out and stayed home getting drunk. I can remember one time, I lived real close to a bar so I walked to it. When leaving one night I was picked up by the cops because I was endangering my own life because I was staggering all over the sidewalk and street. They put me in a cell for my own protection.
I'll tell you one time I did stop drinking, it was when I started smoking crack cocaine. The reason I stopped drinking was because I couldn't afford to do both of them. And it's funny, I wanted to stop smokikng crack and was thinking of going back to drinking.
I do remember though, a time came when I really didn't want to drink anymore and I couldn't stop. And when I had that notion that this was it, I was done, the slightest thought of a drink got me to a bar or a package store.
I got to a point that I wasn't even employable anymore. Couldn't even stop drinking long enough to get to a job interview, not just on time, couldn't get there at all. Getting evicted from one place after another. Until I finally became homeless and moved into a shelter for the homeless. Which by the way was my own bottom. For it was that night I went to a meeting and haven't had a drink or a drug since, but for the Grace of God.
I know I can't see anything manageable about my life here. And as another person had said, my life was also unmanageble before I started drinking and even before I crossed that line and started drinking alcoholically. Even after getting sober I have those days that are unmanagable, because I decide to take my own will back and manage my life my way.
Welcome to the SoberRecovery forum Spryte. I hope you keep coming back and please do share for I know what you have to share helps me. So I hope and pray that what people here have to share helps you.
God bless and keep coming.
Harry