I'm new to this site, but already I feel at home here, at least with this thread for now. I am reading two different kinds of posts to your question, one from those who "get" 12-step programs, and the other from folks who either havn't been exposed or who don't believe in the program's principles.
I have been living with the addiction and bi-polar conditions of my immediate family for most of my life. On top of that I am a recovering alcoholic.
The best advice I can give is the following: First- take care of yourself, especially if the behavior and actions of your loved one are affecting you negatively. On the one hand there's traditional counseling (psychological or spiritual) that gives you an outlet so you don't isolate or rely on the advice of friends who may or may not be acting in your best interest. On the other there are 12-step programs like AA, NA, CA, Alanon for both you and your loved one, but only if you or he is "willing" to go on his or her own.
Sometimes going to a meeting for the other person is a caring or sympathetic act, but may not work for you in the long run because of the nature of the illnesses or dysfunction (my opinion here) or your own lack of commitment to a particular 12-step program. Second- Do what you can to support your significant other or family member, without doing things for them. By that I mean try not to either enable destructive behavior or take responsibility for the actions of another. Third- set strict limits about what is allowed and what is not. These boundaries can really help behaviors that you may not be equipped to handle. In other words, calling the cops might be a reasonable consequence for threatening or suicidal behavior.
Obviously the bi-polar person needs professional medical help and, probably, a variety of medications, the regular monitoring or them and the ability to make changes in dosage or type when they are not working properly. And obviously if the bi-polar person is also abusing alcohol or drugs simultaneously with the medical regumen, all bets are off, especially if the person is not honest with the physician about substance abuse.
Finally, the whole area of bi-polar conditions and 12-step is only in its infancy, as far as I have heard. Others may be able to weigh in on any fellowships that have begun to understand the complexity of these situations. For example, if the drug addict is on clinically prescribed and dosed methadone, is the person considered "sober". Likewise, are legally obtained prescriptions of addictive substances considered "drugs" in the eyes of various fellowships. My experience tells me that its always a judgment call on the part of 12-step members and sponsors.
I welcome more input in this regard because in our family we continue to struggle with these issues as we try to get enlightened medical help for bi-polarism and also to find effective 12-step support groups for normal family members and those in recovery as well. It isn't easy, either way, but gets better with good communication and a lot of active participation.
