[eddie z.]

Here is a Personal Message that I sent to a friend here at SR. I hope others can get something out of it:

Sounds like Step One! I didn't think I was an alcoholic (just a junkie-LOL) because I wasn't physically dependent on alcohol. I had no withdrawals from it. But what makes me one is that I never knew what was going to happen after that first drink. Once I caught that buzz, I couldn't bear sobering up. Loss of control. One of the key elements of addiction. So sometimes I drank too much, although not that often. Doesn't matter. The point is I could never have just one and I couldn't predict when I might go too far.

Is that what you're talking about? Not being able to know if you might drink too much? Or are you talking about uncivilized behavior while intoxicated? My ex-husband was what I call a Jeckyl & Hyde drunk. His personality changed when he drank. That's another thing I used to deny my alcoholism. I never experienced that. Sure, my inhibitions loosened up, but I never became belligerent or anything. Do you become Mr. Hyde sometimes? That would argue in favor of alcoholism, but isn't a "requirement."

Anyway, for almost 20 years, I thought it was OK for me to drink because I didn't get mean and I only got sick or passed out rarely. But I CAN'T drink at all now because I never know when those rare occasions are going to be! Does this make sense? I rejected abstinence for a long time, but now I understand why it's necessary. Alcohol doesn't work on my depression, anxiety, ADD, etc. and has the potential to cause major problems, even death, so why risk it?

Sorry, I didn't mean to go on like that. I hope you get something out of my babbling. Stay in touch!

Love, Eddie

I admit that I am powerless over alcohol—that my life had become unmanageable.