hi lea-
i'm sorry that you're going thru this. that certinly is abuse. mine did similar to me and i understand what it feels like to feel trapped.
what i learned was that i could not rely on my alcoholic. i needed to start making plans that did not depend on his input at all.
i think that you get to know who people really are when the chips are down. it's easy to be loving and carismatic when things are going well. but how people behave under stress is very telling...do they become agressive? do they think of the others? are they kind to the vulnerable?
for myself, i had to get out from a shared life with him and strike out on my own, relying on myself and some help from people who loved me. in my situation, every time the chips were down, he threatened me.
it's not a nice way to live.
you do have options. for me, it was a matter of reaching out for help to those people around me who cared for me. and beginning to explain what was going on in my household.
perhaps take some steps to become finanically independent, like getting some part-time work. or perhaps take a time out and go and stay with someone. i went and stayed with my mother and took that time to begin to attend alanon and get some help from a therapist.
it's not easy, especially when we love the other person and can see them suffering. but his behavior is not ok and it is abuse. in my case, it escalated to physical violence. i saw all the red flags but was quite involved in "helping" him that i forgot to take care of myself.
have you told you family and friends what's going on?
naive