LeaA

My alcoholic boyfriend is often emotionally abusive to me. I was not raised around any abuse, I have never been in an abusive relationship before and I do not believe I have done anything to deserve the life that I am living.

I wonder however which came first? Does the abuse come out of alcoholism or does the alcoholism come from my boyfriend witnessing his own parents abusing each other and drinking?

My boyfriend seems to "know" right from wrong. He is a law school student and prides himself on his "righteous Christian" upbringing, even though truth be known his childhood was filled scenes of fighting drunken parents.

He has a bad "habit" of taking an argument to someplace threatening and scary in 2.2 seconds. This morning I laid in bed listening to his alarm clock go off every 2 minutes for an hour. I know how arguing with him about turning it off or getting up usually works out (I am the loser) so I decided to go sleep on the couch for the remainder of the early morning. After laying on the couch for a while I decided that his behavior was ridiculous and unchivalrous and I knew my own father would never have treated my mother the way I had just been treated (a rare moment of backbone for me) so I went back into the bedroom to confront him. I told him that he either needed to get up or turn his alarm off. He immediately started yelling at me...saying that since I had no job at the moment I should not be bothered by his alarm and that most people with something to do were up anyway. I told him perhaps he needed to get his laptop and briefcase and go study at the library if that is the best he could act.

Well...my standing up for myself took him to an ugly place I guess because moments later he was telling me to get my little dogs outside where they should stay until he left for the day (6 hours later) and that I needed to dry the kitchen floor on my hands and knees so he did not have to step on a wet floor (because I had mopped up dog pee)...obviously he was threatening my dogs to try and get to me. He then said if I were going to behave this way while he was in law school that I needed to make arrangements to live elsewhere...knowing I am unemployed right now and have literally no place to go. I continued to stand up for myself, I did not give in to his bullying and a few minutes later he apologized. He also said he felt like a complete failure and started crying. (This did not really effect me either because I have literally heard it all before)

I know this is emotional and verbal abuse. That's not in question here. I just wonder how many of you also live in emotionally abusive environments with alcoholics? When my boyfriend is abusive it is "usually" when he has been drinking but this is not always the case.

I have read that adult children of alcoholics often have problems with authority and being told what to do, having seen emotional abuse as a child I am not surprised he abuses me (I did not know ANY of this when we met) over time he has become progressively worse (no shock there either).

What does shock me a little I suppose is that he has always dated "strong smart women" myself included. He has no respect for his mother, I frankly have no respect for her either...she is an overly educated self righteous idiot who has allowed her children to be raised in alcoholism and abuse yet hides behind some idea of "Christianity"....to me she is just disgusting and I cannot even stand to be in her presence. I just thought my boyfriend wanted something better. He has admitted as much to me in moments of epiphany, and clearly has not selected women who even remotely resemble his mother in character....

How can a smart women deal with emotional abuse? Clearly my boyfriend is trying to exploit some tender spot he sees in me to take the focus away from dealing with his own issues and childhood trauma.

Insights into alcoholism and emotional abuse are welcome..... Also any insights into dealing with an adult child of TWO alcoholic parents who were abusive to one another?

FYI he is not going to AA...he knows he has a problem...he wants to want help at the moment and that is as far as we have gone. (he has been in out patient treatment and has tried Topamax- neither seems to help)

Just seeking some insight and suggestions from anyone else dealing with similar issues.... (moving away is not an option for financial reasons at the moment)

Thanks,
LeaA