[mnj1024]

Sorry I just need to vent. Why is this so difficult!!! I have had serious codependancy issues with my wife since the first day we met. now as I am starting to veiw this as a major character deffect and a big cause of a lot of my misery to begin with, I just cant let go. I know I need to detatch and I feel I have made huge strides in this, but I cant help but feel guilty of how this is affecting her. I know now that I have to put my sobriety first, I can't save her anymore. what she does with her own sobriety is not my responsibility anymore. I got a letter a few days ago from her asking me why I seem so distant, and accusing me of having a girlfriend (she is in jail by the way, I havent seen her in almost 2 years, but due to come home soon) Today we spoke on the phone and I felt I need to be honest with her. I havent felt too good about myself lately and a lot of it has been because i feel like a fake. when ever she calls its the ussual routine "oh I love you so much, I cant stand to be with out you, I NEED you" today I answered her ?'s that i dont have a girlfriend, but i have made some emotional connections with friends that are working a program both male and female, and that I have learned alot about myself. I dont like feeling dependant on anyone anymore, It's a suffocating feeling. I like the fact that I dont have to rely others happiness to rate my own. I feel like walt disney has corrupted my mind into believing a fairytale which includes love at first sight, and soulmates forever. I just dont believe that crap anymore. As far as my feelings for her, I can't say what they are right now, we haven't been together in so long, and we have both changed so much, Me especially. She has been my wife for almost 10 years and the mother of my 2 children. I'm not giving up on her without a chance, but things will have to change. They cant be like they were before or I will be right back where I was before miserable and eventually using, and I just dont see her making any changes. Now with all that said lol why do I feel so guilty about being honest with her? It was so hard hearing her crying on the phone and then in addition she also tells me they got her on some new psych meds in addition to the ones she has already been taking, because she feels suicidal lately. I just cant deal with this stuff right now. well I'm off to work, thanks for listening to me whoever reads this

mike