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01-13-2010, 08:51 PM

# 12 (permalink)

CrackQuack

Member

Join Date: Mar 2009

Location: Dayton, OH.

Posts: 879

I had many, VIVID, dreams about smoking crack, when I was first trying to get clean. My DOC is also crack cocaine. Whenever I started to work on getting clean, it's like my mind was my worst enemy. The moment I relapsed and went on a binge, I stopped having them. When I finally was DONE, I had them, again and again. I'd wake up crying, thinking FOR SURE, I'd smoked crack again. I even remember one, where I was with a bunch of strangers, smoking 8 ball after 8 ball and getting sick, but still kept using. When I saw my PJ's on, I was SO relieved! Unbelieveably happy that it was a dream. I can remember one other dream, vaguely, around my 9 months. I am almost a year. I am sure one or two will pop up, here and there, throughout my life, but I will be just ducky when I wake up and realize it was just a dream. As long as it stays there, I am one happy camper..
I do worry, so much, about a relapse. Especially lately. I won't think about it all day, but at night, when I am calming down from work, thoughts of using creep up in my head. Not the "I gotta get some" thoughts. The ones where all the remorse creeps up, the "I can't believe I did that", and "Really? I did that!?!?!", and please Lord, allow me to not ever use again..
Ugh, it's haunting me pretty badly right now.. Especially since my boyfriend told me that he was on one of his motorcycle forums, talking about living with an addict and 95% of them told him to run. It made me cry. I've given the same advice, and I am grateful he's with me and loves me, but the number one reason he won't ask me to marry him is because I am an addict. He wants more time under my belt to prove I am done. I understand this, but at the same time, I FEAR relapse... Because it would only validate his concerns.

Sorry, had to get it off my chest.
Anyway, it's certainly no fun, but, the more I chat with other addicts, it seems pretty typical. Though I haven't had dreams about smoking weed or doing any other drugs. Just smoking crack.