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Old 12-11-2009, 10:20 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Homer38
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Haven,CT
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by sphalerite View Post
Alcohol was my best friend. It was my 'go to' buddy. We did everything together. Going out, socializing, camping, boating, fishing, relaxing at home; everything I did was so much more fun, so much more interesting with my buddy along for the ride.
I couldn't imagine life without it--even when my 'best friend' started to turn on me, I made excuses. I was still in control, wasn't I? I wasn't physically dependent.

I rationalized.

I'll never have that morning drink.
I'll slow down if I ever start getting the shakes.

I researched.

Vitamin B1 and milk thistle daily, that's the ticket!
Benzos for the nasty anxiety, to even me out when certain responsibilities meant that I couldn't start drinking when I wanted (needed) to.

After years and years of fun together, it seemed that my 'go to' buddy had somehow taken over the drivers seat. The relationship had changed. I could not do anything without my buddy. My 'best friend' was making more and more demands on my time, my relationships and my sanity.
I stopped socializing, I would not go to any event that I couldn't drink heavily at. When I did go out it would be to dark disgusting dive bars (all the time telling myself and others that I preferred these places--at least they knew how to pour a drink!)
My blackouts (which have always been a side effect of my drinking since day one) started to get longer and scarier. My hangovers had evolved.

I started neglecting my family, my children, my appearance. Drinking was all that mattered. I always needed a full supply now. If I ran out it would mean nastiness...I started seizing once, in front of a couple of family members and my 4 year old child.

But it was still fun right?

My best friend, who had been with me through everything, was trying to kill me. Yet I still made excuses.

I ended the relationship almost three months ago. It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. I knew the relationship had to end, I knew if it didn't I'd end up in jail, in an asylum or dead, but it was still excruciating. After the withdrawal and fog subsided I was very depressed. The first few weeks I felt as if I'd lost my best friend. As if there had been a death. Crazy (when I think of it) that I was mourning the buddy that was trying to kill me. I'm still very new to this, and I still have flashes of that feeling--but it's getting better. With the help of an amazing recovery program, and a network of people who are supporting me I feel like I can do this.

I am grateful that I stopped when I did. That I still have a family. That (like many of you have said) my once 'best friend' led me to AA and a life in which I am slowly learning to be happy and functional in without drinking.
besides the seizure,this could have been me writing,and yes,eliminate the last 2 paragraphs too
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