[cassandra2]

Welcome to the boards.

I understand your problem. I grew up with an alcoholic mother. She too was violent and abusive and made life, sometimes, unbearable. Even after I moved out she would call me at work or at home all hours of the night just to tell me she hated me or tell me some weird bizarre story that happened in an alcoholic black out. Then the next day she would act "normal" and pretend like nothing had happened.

I remember one time when I was 19 I was pregnant with my first child and still living with her. That day she had gone out and bought me a bassinet for my baby. It was so cute. I put it in my room and just sat there overwhelmed by the knowledge that soon a little baby would be in there. Well that night my mother got drunk and came to my room screaming and yelling at me about how I was ruining my life with my bast$%$ child and how terrible my life was gonna be. She then picked up the bassinet (THAT SHE BOUGHT) and smashed it to pieces.

It wasnt long after that that I moved out. I would say that for the next five years she continued in her downward spiral and would continue with the phone calls and messages usually telling me how I ruined her life (I am mixed, she is white my father is black and she had me when she was 19) and how much she hated me. It used to break my heart and I would sit for hours crying wondering how she could be this way to me. I knew she was a drunk. I knew that she was a terrible person when she drank but I didnt know about alcoholism or the disease of addiction.

Finally, it just became to painful for me to maintain a relationship with her. I began to slowly cut her off from my life. I limited my contact with her. I kept her at bay from my life. The pain and misery became to much. I still loved her afterall she was my mother but I just couldnt have a relationship with her.

Today I know about addiction and the how's and why's and even realized that when I made the decision to limit my contact with her is a form of detachment.

We dont have much of a relationship anymore. Her drinking still is the same only today she is an amputee because of her drinking and she moved to Texas to be close to family that still loves her. Sometimes she still tries to make me feel guilty that I am to blame for our relationship and the way it is but I dont accept it. I know for me it was killing me slowly to continue to have a relationship with her.

The emotional abuse by her was just to much. I know my truth and I also know that because of her alcoholism she cant see the truth. I feel bad for her but I try not to think about it.

Detaching was my form of keeping my sanity. I know it hurts but until I accepted that I was never gonna have the kind of relationship with my mother that I wanted I kept holding on and getting hurt in the process. Its hard because she is your mother, but really for your sake, sanity and everyday happiness I would strongly recommend that you detach in love. You dont need to explain why you are doing this. She wont understand. Just do it. Do it for yourself.

Good luck to you. Keep posting. Keep reading. Educate yourself about addiction.