[heartbeats]

Hi, all,

I've lurked on the boards for awhile now, and thought maybe it was time to share my story, because I'm at a loss for what to do and how to feel.

I'm a college student in my early 20's with a mother who is addicted to prescription pills. I had a wonderful childhood until about 10, when my mother was in an accident. That's where the trouble began. She had several back surgeries, and was given pills as a result. I didn't understand what was happening when I was younger; my brother and I would just say, "Oh, mom's crazy again" because we didn't know she was high on meds. She was verbally and physically abusive to me throughout middle and high school...she's still verbally abusive, but the physical abuse stopped, thank god.

It's been almost fifteen years since she started on them, and it's completely out of control. She cannot go a day without them. She will take combinations of pills and become so messed up she can't even walk or speak. Percocet, vicodin, valium, xanax, morphine patches, ambien (that's her newest thing; she takes them and stays awake : / ), anything she can get her hands on. She had a seizure last year as a result of taking copious amounts of a new drug she hadn't had before. She totaled a car. She's ruined countless friendships (including some of my own). She hasn't worked in 15 years. She forges my checks (I accidentally left some at home).

I have tried many times in the past to talk to her about it. She flat out denies any drug usage and says I'm a liar (among other colorful words). Yesterday, after a horribly embarrassing Thanksgiving dinner, I confronted her at home. She went off, attacking anything and everything about me; most notably my sexuality (I'm a lesbian), which completely humiliated me. She screamed in my face that she wasn't on anything and never had been in her life. This was a blatant lie, considering I knew she had just stolen a bottle of pills from our Thanksgiving host's house.

She has broken me down so badly that I give up. I just can't help someone who can't admit they have a problem at all. Our family is very small and not close-knit, so there's no way I'm going to get any outside help. It seems like it's always been just me and my brother, and now she's sucking him in. He's 18, so he's able to make his own decisions, but my mother is having him buy her pills on the street. She also shares them with him, which makes me sick. My father is a functioning alcoholic but has pretty much given up on life and doesn't care what my mother does.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get out of writing this...just felt like something I needed to do. I know I need to change something in my life. Right now, I talk to my mother every day on the phone (she becomes very upset if I don't) and come home to visit quite frequently. These visits always end with me being stressed and sad, but I like seeing my brother, who still lives at home. Do I need to cut off contact with my mother completely? I'm so afraid that's the answer I'm going to get.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling and making this far too long. I thank anyone with the patience to read it. Anyone who's been in a similar situation, I'd love to hear from you. How did you deal? What did you say to the addicted person? Is it wrong for me to feel like there's nothing I can do? I mean, the few people I've ever confided in about this have told me I have to do something because she's dangerous, but they just don't understand how mean she gets, and how she still is able to make me afraid of her. They tell me to call the cops on her and have her jailed. I just don't know if I could do that. Ughh. This board has already helped me a lot, just knowing I'm not the first in such a situation.