Hi Ti,
If you read over your's and other's posts in this thread, maybe you'd agree that you're seeing yourself as a "tragic figure?" That's a very romantic way to view your problems. classical literature is full of tragic figures who are powerless to pull themselves out of the trap they've gotten themselves into as a result of being a combination of exagerated self-pity and exagerated self-importance. Egoism is of course the problem. Selfishness and self-centeredness cause the tragic figure to actually love its undeserved suffering.
You are in no way unique, Ti, I've been where you are and so have thousands of other alkies. It's why (in the AA fellowship you've not yet been able to make proper use of) the first step speaks of being powerless with an unmanageable life. It's why the ABC at the end of the portion of Chapter 5 read at most meetings points to alcoholism as at least sometimes being a problem outside the scope of human solution. A higher power is required.
Of course, the highest of all higher powers that we can know exists is truth. We can make truth God and or God truth, and by so doing, we have something real and awesome to surrender our will and lives over to. We don't have to try to use Gods we can't believe in. Truth is always very real and always making itself a factor in our lives. Alkies in the grip of active alcoholism think it possible to make use of truths that support their egos and eschew truth which would move them from egoism towards humility. That, of course, doesn't work very well.
So . . . I would now ask you to look at some unpleasant truths for the express purpose of getting some humility into your thinking. (If you still own a 12&12, you can read the second paragraph of step 7 to understand why I think the following will be helpful).
So long as you remain ego-needy to the point of being unable to respond to posts like those of Asta in your thread, you are showing yourself to be completely interested in yourself alone and do not find it necessary to respond with normal politeness towards others.
When you do not respond to Asta but do respond to Pinkcuda you tattle on yourself as to your only interest in beginning this thread. You want your "tragic figure syndrome" backed up with sympathy from others. You aren't really interested in getting well, because then you would no longer be able to see yourself as special.
So what does truth say about this? In your present state, you are useless as any part of a solution to your society's problems. In fact, you add to the problems. So if you were to kill yourself, there would be no loss to the rest of us, wouild there? See the truth of that, Ti. It's important.
The first sentence of step 5 (12&12) is the reason you haven't been able to get what you would have liked to get out of AA. You have not yet been able to see that egoism is "the bondage of self" you need to get freed from if you are going to find that serenity of spirit, peace of mind, and sense of being at home in your own skin which comes with opting for humility and letting humbling truiths lead you to it.
Tonight, as we lay down to sleep, hundreds (perhaps thousands) of starving children in third world nations will receive the freedom of death. There is no way that you can be of more importance to the world than any one of those, Ti. Truth decrees that. No single human can be loved by Perfect Love more than any other. So it is not a long life that is important in being alive, is it?
You have been conditioned to believe a lot of things that are not true. Yet, since they are ego pleasing you cling to them over the truth that is trying to give you wisdom. Your ego-defense mechanisms (so evident in your replies to "cuda") are actually keeping you a "prisoner in great pain."
The psychiatrist, Fritz Kunkel, told a story about a woman who came to him for increased depression medication. He had had lab tests run and knew that she didn't need the medications. She was adamant that she did. He prescribed for her the task of every day for a week, doing something nice and helpful for somebody else without being found out. He writes that he knew she wouldn't do it because her egoism was too overwhelming, but he knew that she wouldn't return to him wanting more pain killers either. Do you get it Ti. The problem is again, egoism, and you need to see, once and for all, that egoism is not your friend but simply your jailor.
Worked honestly, open-mindedly, and surrendered to, the "steps" will move you from the nil capacity to love which is egoism towards the infinite capacity to love which is humility. This is why many in AA say their worst day sober has been better than their best day drunk. They can finally ***L:O:V:E***.
The choice is always yours, Ti. You can admit that your way of getting through life isn't working worth a damn, and surrender your will and life over to a set of new ideas concerning what is important in being alive that will work to bring you happiness, or you can stay in love with being a tragic figure who is in no way responsible for not being able to change. One way, you remain part of the problem, the other, you become part of the solution. If there be ultimate meaning to life, it is based on the fact that the inevitable movement from egoism towards humility is always increasing the amount of love in the universe. It is in surrendering to that movement that one is indicating one's willingness to "grow along spiritual lines." Love and Blessings - one of