[MrsMagoo]

I was talking with Judy (Serenityqueen) and with the holidays coming up, things are going to be extremely difficult - not financially, but emotionally. This is strange to me because for the past years, the holidays have been horrible!!! I know that WE are going to be okay. We won't be walking on eggshells this year and we won't be waiting for the big-blow up or the big embarrassment.

I worry about him, about what it will be like for him to be homeless or even in a treatment center for Thanksgiving or especially for Christmas. Our wedding anniversary is January 1st. Last year he was out of town, living in a hotel room, high and paranoid and threatening me with calling social services, etc. if I didn't tell him exactly where his daughter was (which I told him we were at my brother's house with my whole family doing "Christmas" just like every year) but it didn't matter him, he didn't believe me. His high mind wouldn't let him hear me. He was smoking crack and paranoid and mean. I didn't want to spend any time with him.

Thankfully, the restraining order I have keeps me from blowing everything to bits and running out to find him and rescue him. My attorney knows me well enough to know that he had to push the restraining order to keep me away from him because lets face it, I'm as addicted to him as he is addicted to drugs and alcohol!

Nobody understands. I don't understand. I've been so "strong". What I've really been doing is operating out of fear and securing our borders and our home so that we can't be robbed, stalked or hurt and now that the immediate danger has passed, I'm processing the potential finality of letting him go and letting God have him.

I hope with therapy, Celebrate Recovery and many accountability partners, I can move forward and get to the be healthy person I thought I was pre-AH so that IF he can make it back one day, or if someone healthy strolls into my life, I can have a safe relationship. I'm not considering divorce right now. In NC you have to be separated for a full 12 mo. before you can even file for divorce so its not something I can be impulsive on.