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magoo,
the last thing i would want to do is give you false hope, but i know that addicts CAN turn their life around - but statistically the odds don't look good.
when i read your post, it reminded me of myself. when my addict left town late last spring, and i knew something wasn't right, well, things escalated and we would alternate between sane-sounding and crazy-sounding conversations. one nightmare evening when i went to the town he was at to pick him up (why you might ask....i had already decided to break with him) he did nothing but scream at me for the first hour of the drive. i was at such a complete loss, because this was NOT the man i knew and loved -- not even close. at one point he grabbed my hair and at one point he yelled "i HATE you!" which was completely out of character (there had never been any violence between us).
point being, even though those two things hurt me possibly more than anything he's ever done, i asked myself the same thing. how can i still love this man? am i so needy that i want his love so badly that i let him do this to me? i think the answer has two parts (for me). yes, i am so needy. but the other is that he is such a beautiful, smart, engaging person when he is clean, and we have years and years of a shared life together. that foundation is very strong.
they say and do things that are so different from their real self when they are strung out.
i know i haven't helped you, but i wanted to share and tell you that there's at least a few people out there who have gone through what you are experiencing.
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