[MrsMagoo]

Hi, I've been around but not posting much. I've been afraid to commit anything to writing because I've been all over the boards with emotions and feelings I'm not familiar with.

AH has been out for almost 5 months now. He's been homeless and while at first we had court all the time because of the restraining order, custody issues, etc. things have slowed down on the legal front and I hate to admit it, but I miss him terribly. As bad as he's looked, as shameful as his behavior has been in court, as ugly as he's been to me, blaming me for taking his family away, threatening to kill me, stealing and lieing, I still feel compassion for this man.

I'm ashamed and confused about how I can feel anything for him except contempt.

I haven't seen him since September 9th. It was horrific. He slept all day through court. The bailiff had to ask him to leave at one point. If he was outside smoking, he was falling asleep and like I said, in the courtroom, he was pathetic. Couldn't put a full sentence together if he tried.

I understand from my lawyer and his sisters who he has finally made some contact with, that he is getting ready to go to treatment. Hopefully a long term treatment but I doubt it. The court required him to go into inpatient treatment, pass random drug screens and secure a place to live that would be approved by the court before he can even petition the court for supervised visitation with our daughter. It looks like he's finally DOING something other than living on the street or in a shelter which is good right?

I have been a mess all week. I miss him. I hate missing him or wanting him. He wants to kill me for God's sake and I sit here fantasizing about stepping into his embrace and being loved by him, like he used to love me so I'm convinced I'm loosing my mind. My family and friends are convinced I'm loosing my mind too.

I've started seeing a Christian counselor who happens to be a substance abuse counselor as well. I thought that would be helpful and I specifically wanted someone with a background in addiction. It's helping but an hour a week barely gets her up to speed with everything that's happened so she can get the full picture.

I have started my fourth step. I think something about my character is buried in my past that explains my recent behavior - my need to show compassion instead of contempt for someone who has no regard for his family, himself, the truth or his future.

I know when I told him to leave and stuck by my word this time that I saved his life but do I honestly want him to get clean and get on with his life, even if that means he goes on without us? I guess that's the dilemma.

Feedback? I honestly don't know that I could ever completely forgive him. What are the odds guys? Can it be done? I know I shouldn't even be thinking about that. I should be taking care of myself and the kids but I can't help but secretly wonder if we still have a chance at "happily ever after" after the nightmare.