[Learn2Live]

Hi Tyler. Thanks for posting. Here is my perspective of the situation and my advice.

I find your feelings, thoughts, perspectives and wishes regarding the situation you relate in your post to be rational and valid.

If your spouse chooses to continue abusing the drugs, the addiction will likely escalate. Whether it escalates over a short period or a long period of time is not predictable. However, as the addiction escalates, the addicted person's behavior and quality of life will degrade. Parallel to this, the behavior and quality of life of those people who are involved with the addicted person will also degrade.

I agree that providing the financial means for the addicted person to continue consuming the drugs is enabling. The underlying illness or disease is no longer a valid reason to continue financing the drug use, as the addiction to those drugs, and that they affect you negatively, is clear. It is in your spouse's best interest for you to cease financing this use.

The most effective means to stop enabling (stop paying for the drugs) in my opinion would NOT be to confront your spouse. Accept her and the addiction plainly for what they are, and confront your own feelings, beliefs, and wishes.

I would approach this situation by setting MY personal (financial) boundary. To do so, I must absolve myself of responsibility for the addicted person's life, choices, disease and behavior, and focus on my own self. In other words, do not blame, shame, judge, guilt, coerce, rationalize with or otherwise try to convince the other person of anything they should, could, or must do. Take full responsibility for your own needs. This requires being as conscious and aware of self as possible.

At a time when the addicted person is sober and clear-minded, ask her for five minutes of her time. Sit her down next to you and calmly and simply state, "Joan, When you use these drugs, I become overly concerned for your well-being and my life is negatively affected. I feel frustrated and I cannot handle these frustrations. Therefore, I will no longer pay for these drugs. If you continue to use these drugs, I will require you to finance them yourself." End of story. She will likely react.

She may scream, argue, accuse, berate, cry, threaten suicide, run out of the house, whatever. Your job is to see that behavior for what it is and NOT REACT. Do not engage. If you allow the drama and (immature) manipulation that may result to engage you, you will then be engaged in someone else's delusion. If she threatens her or another's life or body, call the proper authorities.

I would not tell her what her own business is. I would not say "You need help" or "I can't live like this" or "I love you" or any such words. Keep your feelings out of it. Keep your needs and your desires out of it. Keep your marriage out of it. Do not offer your help. If you absolutely must, simply suggest that she talk to her physician about it.

I know this sounds cut and dry, plain and simple. I know your reaction may be, "Easier said than done." I must tell you that it IS this plain and simple. It is only when you are not able to disengage and detach emotionally, psychically, and physically that it becomes complicated.

I hope something here is helpful to you.