[Cynay]

Welcome to SR.... I’m happy to meet you both though sorry it has to be under these conditions. There is a post in Friends and Families of Substance abuse.... It was written by an Addict but it fits Alcoholic behavior as well....

Before you read it I want to add that I’m not some hard hearted want to beat up the Alcoholic... quite the contrary.... But what I have learned in my years of recovery and that includes recovery from unhealthy relationship.... is there are VERY good reasons why they suggest not getting involved with an alcoholic during the first year of recovery. I had to take a good long look at why I want to "save" someone from themselves... Why I would knowingly walk into a relationship and take care of a grow man who is not able to have a relationship in the first place. First of all I don’t believe you will have a "normal" relationship with an Alcoholic, and the only way to ever have a relationship at all that will not be hurtful and destructive is if the Alcoholic is Sober and working a program. I know this sounds rather harsh..... but what worked for me is Therapy, Al-anon, SR, and CoDA.... because once I starting working my personal program I discovered just how sick I was as well and only then could I stop putting myself in these type of relationship....

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

Now I will agree that the depth of this might depend on the stage of addiction, but one thing I know is that untreated addiction will one day get to this depth.

Remember You did not cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it. Hitting bottom means that you will go to any length…. It could be he is still searching for the softer way…

Just remember my thoughts are just my opinions and remember to take what you want and leave the rest. I have about 45 years of living with Alcoholics and can only pull from my personal experience. I hope to get to know you better, keep posting and reading… there is a lot a good knowledge and wisdom here on SR.