SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Should RABF have his own space in ‘our home’?

OtherHalf7 · 11-09-2009, 08:29 PM

I am in a similar situation...my bf, a high school chum, and I rediscovered each other in adulthood and have been in a long-distance relationship for some time. I'm here, his family's here, his support system is HERE! He lives 8 hrs. away, and is in a custody battle for his son with no family nor "real" i.e. sober friends, and when he came out of detox 2 months ago, he lasted in day treatment and AA for less than two weeks. He relapsed, too.

I'm a BCBA, and one thing I've told him is that to beat the addictions, he has to change the environment to change the behavior. Both his mother and I, whom I become really close to through this crisis, have both offered our homes to him. He won't make as much money in this area, but his expenses will be less and he will be around for his loved ones' support.

This is all in limbo now, cause he's back to his self-destructive ways, and too far away for me or his mom to get there in crisis.

This relationship has worn me down...the mood swings, the pain, the distance, and the other night I set up a boundary he didn't like...his sobriety is HIS first priority, followed by our kids, careers and so on. I also believe until he gets his faith back in God, he doesn't have much of a chance.

I saw my personal behaviorist today, and she told me I knew as well as she does that this is an unhealthy relationship. She recommended I use the distance for good, keep my priorties in check, and stop being his sole source of emotional support.

Your bf needs space. When my sis celebrated her second-year of sobriety last month, she gave me some very good advice. Her husband and kids made sure she had a quiet place to go to when things get too much for her. She also said I'm to my bf like her hubby is to her; he and I keep our loved ones in check, balance them out.

However, you are not running a treatment center, right? One thing I have to learn is I am responsible for my children, myself, and my clients, to the degree that I give them the tools to help themselves, but I am NOT responsible for my boyfriend, and though I know he needs my support, I'm keeping our relationship on a friendship level, and help him through some issues, but that's as much as I can do, and I can't beat myself up anymore for giving my all and then feeling I've failed him...he's grown, up to him how he wants to live his life. Hope this helps, and hang in there!

11-09-2009, 08:29 PM	#2 (permalink)
OtherHalf7 Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Humboldt TN Posts: 114	I am in a similar situation...my bf, a high school chum, and I rediscovered each other in adulthood and have been in a long-distance relationship for some time. I'm here, his family's here, his support system is HERE! He lives 8 hrs. away, and is in a custody battle for his son with no family nor "real" i.e. sober friends, and when he came out of detox 2 months ago, he lasted in day treatment and AA for less than two weeks. He relapsed, too. I'm a BCBA, and one thing I've told him is that to beat the addictions, he has to change the environment to change the behavior. Both his mother and I, whom I become really close to through this crisis, have both offered our homes to him. He won't make as much money in this area, but his expenses will be less and he will be around for his loved ones' support. This is all in limbo now, cause he's back to his self-destructive ways, and too far away for me or his mom to get there in crisis. This relationship has worn me down...the mood swings, the pain, the distance, and the other night I set up a boundary he didn't like...his sobriety is HIS first priority, followed by our kids, careers and so on. I also believe until he gets his faith back in God, he doesn't have much of a chance. I saw my personal behaviorist today, and she told me I knew as well as she does that this is an unhealthy relationship. She recommended I use the distance for good, keep my priorties in check, and stop being his sole source of emotional support. Your bf needs space. When my sis celebrated her second-year of sobriety last month, she gave me some very good advice. Her husband and kids made sure she had a quiet place to go to when things get too much for her. She also said I'm to my bf like her hubby is to her; he and I keep our loved ones in check, balance them out. However, you are not running a treatment center, right? One thing I have to learn is I am responsible for my children, myself, and my clients, to the degree that I give them the tools to help themselves, but I am NOT responsible for my boyfriend, and though I know he needs my support, I'm keeping our relationship on a friendship level, and help him through some issues, but that's as much as I can do, and I can't beat myself up anymore for giving my all and then feeling I've failed him...he's grown, up to him how he wants to live his life. Hope this helps, and hang in there!