SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Should RABF have his own space in ‘our home’?

coping123 · 11-09-2009, 11:23 AM

My RABF and I have been together for just over 11 weeks. Today he is 17 days sober.

Brief relationship history: I knew him 20 years ago, went to college together, had not seen him in 20 years & we started dating the 3rd week in August, ‘09. After a week together, he was laid off of work due to the establishment closing. After a few weeks together, I noticed his drinking problem - he was drinking at least a 5th of vodka a day, all day every day; at six weeks he up and pulled detachment from me due to my wanting to talk about his drinking problem one too many times. At nine weeks & after two weeks of starting to talk to each other again, he shows up on my doorstep at his rock bottom, sick & messy & pleading for my help... which I told him that when he was ready I would help him through it and be his support, as he has no friends or family that understand or even want to understand the alcoholic mind enough to help him through his recovery.

Brief history of him: he had his first hospitalization two and a half years ago after drinking four 5ths of vodka & wound up in a coma for six days & hospitalized for two weeks - never seeking any type of aftercare program but stayed sober for 90 days; since then he’s been living with his grandmother and uncle rent free & just helping them around the house to earn his keep on top of working full-time in the restaurant biz until August... and his codependency & stress with his relatives was the catalyst of his drinking getting to the point where he hit rock bottom.

I helped him through the five days of detox at my home without issue, cared for him, etc; day six he was off the couch and back sleeping in ‘my bed’; day 12 I confronted him about our ‘relationship’ and if he was ‘really ready’ to be in an intimate relationship & I asked him to move back to the couch to sleep, as I have no spare room at the moment, & he said ‘just give me a few more days to get my confidence back’ & has continued to sleep in ‘my bed’; that same evening we went to his first AA meeting (as he would only go if I went with to an open meeting, which was fine); day 15 we went to his second AA meeting (open again), and he said he was going to his first closed AA meeting this morning to get his ‘first step’ - and he didn’t go, even though he’s said over and over how excited he was to go to the next meeting. He seems to be in the ‘just one more day’ thinking mode - and I consider him a dry drunk at this point since he hasn’t had his ‘first step’ yet. He’s been doing a lot of writing to purge the muck from his head... but I know that is no therapy like AA or an addictions counselor. Over the last week, we decided it would best if he move in with me officially - as going back to his grandmothers would just send him immediately back to his old habits, due to the stress of taking care of his 92 year old grandmother & his enabling uncle that badgers him day and night. His days of ‘rehab’ with me have been very productive; he keeps busy & does my yardwork & house chores and cooks for us - which is great because I don’t cook. He has had no urges to drink since the stress has been removed, and I believe my home is the best place for him to ‘recover’, under the existing circumstances.

Today is day 17, and I’m getting to a point that I’m starting to feel used... ie - since he has no money, no job, etc. I have to pay for groceries for ‘us’ - which he’s a great cook and says cooking is great for his ‘rehab’ - but not great for my budget, and I’ve had to set boundaries for grocery shopping already (sorry we’re going to have to live on bologna sandwiches & hot dogs for awhile & put the gourmet meals on hold). His ‘few days of confidence gaining’ is on day 5 now, and here is where I’m at a loss on what the right thing to do is: Since we’ve only been together a short time & had an intimate relationship from the get go, I have it in my head that continuing the ‘relationship’ means him sleeping in my bed & eventually soon getting back to the intimacy; we are purely platonic at this point & in all honesty that is just confusing me

, considering I’ve been working on my own intimacy issues for years and have finally reached a point in my life where I am ready for a ‘normal’ relationship. He’s had anxiety issues all his life, so him saying ‘just a few more days’ - he will keep stringing me along to the end of never if I let him. I know that in AA they recommend not having a ‘relationship’ for a year - but this is technically an ‘existing’ relationship that he expects to continue to progress and grow every day & says he ‘needs it’ for his rehab - but at what price to me? I know I shouldn’t expect him to be able to jump back into the relationship full speed at not even a month sober... which is why I’m wondering if the ‘right’ thing to do would be to institute the ‘tough love’ program and have him move back to the couch... at least until he’s through his first few steps, ignoring the fact that the little ‘intimacy’ we share by him just sleeping next to me is indeed helping him through his recovery?

I’ve been to one Al-Anon meeting & I am following the steps of that program, but admittedly have not been effected by his alcoholism to the degree of needing regular meetings: I’m OK w/me let’s just say & have no problems maintaining my life & changing my attitudes through this process so far. This is just a tough call for me since I’m doing what I can to maintain a loving household & loving relationship, and knowing that my tough love of ‘kicking him to the couch’ is going to damage his progress just a bit at this point.

11-09-2009, 11:23 AM	#1 (permalink)
coping123 Detached since 10.13.09 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: NW Illinois Posts: 20	Should RABF have his own space in ‘our home’? My RABF and I have been together for just over 11 weeks. Today he is 17 days sober. Brief relationship history: I knew him 20 years ago, went to college together, had not seen him in 20 years & we started dating the 3rd week in August, ‘09. After a week together, he was laid off of work due to the establishment closing. After a few weeks together, I noticed his drinking problem - he was drinking at least a 5th of vodka a day, all day every day; at six weeks he up and pulled detachment from me due to my wanting to talk about his drinking problem one too many times. At nine weeks & after two weeks of starting to talk to each other again, he shows up on my doorstep at his rock bottom, sick & messy & pleading for my help... which I told him that when he was ready I would help him through it and be his support, as he has no friends or family that understand or even want to understand the alcoholic mind enough to help him through his recovery. Brief history of him: he had his first hospitalization two and a half years ago after drinking four 5ths of vodka & wound up in a coma for six days & hospitalized for two weeks - never seeking any type of aftercare program but stayed sober for 90 days; since then he’s been living with his grandmother and uncle rent free & just helping them around the house to earn his keep on top of working full-time in the restaurant biz until August... and his codependency & stress with his relatives was the catalyst of his drinking getting to the point where he hit rock bottom. I helped him through the five days of detox at my home without issue, cared for him, etc; day six he was off the couch and back sleeping in ‘my bed’; day 12 I confronted him about our ‘relationship’ and if he was ‘really ready’ to be in an intimate relationship & I asked him to move back to the couch to sleep, as I have no spare room at the moment, & he said ‘just give me a few more days to get my confidence back’ & has continued to sleep in ‘my bed’; that same evening we went to his first AA meeting (as he would only go if I went with to an open meeting, which was fine); day 15 we went to his second AA meeting (open again), and he said he was going to his first closed AA meeting this morning to get his ‘first step’ - and he didn’t go, even though he’s said over and over how excited he was to go to the next meeting. He seems to be in the ‘just one more day’ thinking mode - and I consider him a dry drunk at this point since he hasn’t had his ‘first step’ yet. He’s been doing a lot of writing to purge the muck from his head... but I know that is no therapy like AA or an addictions counselor. Over the last week, we decided it would best if he move in with me officially - as going back to his grandmothers would just send him immediately back to his old habits, due to the stress of taking care of his 92 year old grandmother & his enabling uncle that badgers him day and night. His days of ‘rehab’ with me have been very productive; he keeps busy & does my yardwork & house chores and cooks for us - which is great because I don’t cook. He has had no urges to drink since the stress has been removed, and I believe my home is the best place for him to ‘recover’, under the existing circumstances. Today is day 17, and I’m getting to a point that I’m starting to feel used... ie - since he has no money, no job, etc. I have to pay for groceries for ‘us’ - which he’s a great cook and says cooking is great for his ‘rehab’ - but not great for my budget, and I’ve had to set boundaries for grocery shopping already (sorry we’re going to have to live on bologna sandwiches & hot dogs for awhile & put the gourmet meals on hold). His ‘few days of confidence gaining’ is on day 5 now, and here is where I’m at a loss on what the right thing to do is: Since we’ve only been together a short time & had an intimate relationship from the get go, I have it in my head that continuing the ‘relationship’ means him sleeping in my bed & eventually soon getting back to the intimacy; we are purely platonic at this point & in all honesty that is just confusing me , considering I’ve been working on my own intimacy issues for years and have finally reached a point in my life where I am ready for a ‘normal’ relationship. He’s had anxiety issues all his life, so him saying ‘just a few more days’ - he will keep stringing me along to the end of never if I let him. I know that in AA they recommend not having a ‘relationship’ for a year - but this is technically an ‘existing’ relationship that he expects to continue to progress and grow every day & says he ‘needs it’ for his rehab - but at what price to me? I know I shouldn’t expect him to be able to jump back into the relationship full speed at not even a month sober... which is why I’m wondering if the ‘right’ thing to do would be to institute the ‘tough love’ program and have him move back to the couch... at least until he’s through his first few steps, ignoring the fact that the little ‘intimacy’ we share by him just sleeping next to me is indeed helping him through his recovery? I’ve been to one Al-Anon meeting & I am following the steps of that program, but admittedly have not been effected by his alcoholism to the degree of needing regular meetings: I’m OK w/me let’s just say & have no problems maintaining my life & changing my attitudes through this process so far. This is just a tough call for me since I’m doing what I can to maintain a loving household & loving relationship, and knowing that my tough love of ‘kicking him to the couch’ is going to damage his progress just a bit at this point.