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Threshold · 11-08-2009, 06:49 PM

I resisted sobriety a long time because I thought it was about denial and a state of stiff upper lipped acceptance of all the fun I could never have again, but I am learning that it has nothing to do with going without, and everything to do with being free to make choices and have all sorts of good things.

I didn't really want sobriety before, I felt it was something I was supposed to do...abstain.

now I know it's not about what I don't do, but about what I DO do, live more fully, not in the cage I was trapped in.

I know how important it is to do my recovery work though, because I've played the addiction go round way too long, using a new high to replace the one I gave up, rather than working on ME, and figuring out why I needed to be lost in any sort of high at all, instead of fully experiencing whatever I was doing.

sometimes I am so there, I mean I can take real pleasure in a good crap, or a clever passage in a book, or a cup of hot tea to warm my frigid hands on, not manufactured pleasure, but real deep down honest to goodness gratitude causing joy in that stuff.

I spent decades where most of my energy went into either pushing some things away or hoarding other things (or experiences), I was NOT ok with sitting on the shore of my life and watching the waves come in and out on their own.

I was afraid that the Universe wouldn't get it right without me showing it how to do it's job. Now I see I never was in control, that all the elements of joy are available to me in the life I have, and I can chill out because it's all within reach. I can say "thank you" before it's even in my hand, because I know the Universe provides.

11-08-2009, 06:49 PM	#5 (permalink)
Threshold Grateful but still smarting Join Date: May 2009 Location: Arizona Posts: 935 Blog Entries: 8	I resisted sobriety a long time because I thought it was about denial and a state of stiff upper lipped acceptance of all the fun I could never have again, but I am learning that it has nothing to do with going without, and everything to do with being free to make choices and have all sorts of good things. I didn't really want sobriety before, I felt it was something I was supposed to do...abstain. now I know it's not about what I don't do, but about what I DO do, live more fully, not in the cage I was trapped in. I know how important it is to do my recovery work though, because I've played the addiction go round way too long, using a new high to replace the one I gave up, rather than working on ME, and figuring out why I needed to be lost in any sort of high at all, instead of fully experiencing whatever I was doing. sometimes I am so there, I mean I can take real pleasure in a good crap, or a clever passage in a book, or a cup of hot tea to warm my frigid hands on, not manufactured pleasure, but real deep down honest to goodness gratitude causing joy in that stuff. I spent decades where most of my energy went into either pushing some things away or hoarding other things (or experiences), I was NOT ok with sitting on the shore of my life and watching the waves come in and out on their own. I was afraid that the Universe wouldn't get it right without me showing it how to do it's job. Now I see I never was in control, that all the elements of joy are available to me in the life I have, and I can chill out because it's all within reach. I can say "thank you" before it's even in my hand, because I know the Universe provides.