[miamifella]

Here is the background: I have a spectacularly unsuccessful history with 12-step programs. I have not gone beyond the second step and do not know if I ever can. (It has been over five years and I have a sponsor waiting to do a fourth step with me if I ever get that far.)

Lately online people have suggested to me that when I have cravings I should be calling other addicts (which is the exact opposite of what I had been taught when I first came into recovery).

This makes sense to be, but as I try to get numbers of people to call I am being told that until I have finished the steps there is nothing to be done about cravings. I have three numbers and two of them have told me this. I am afraid to talk about it to the third because I do not want him to tell me not to call him if I am having trouble.

This idea of calling gave me hope but now I guess that it would also make my staying clean dependent on others.

I feel like I am back at square one. I have tried going to meetings when craving, but that makes it worse. I have on many occasions called a dealer on leaving the meeting. I tried prayer and junk food like they say in the rooms but I do not believe in anything and don't like junk food, so they have not worked either.

Am I stuck with this until I get through the steps? I usually only relapse during holidays and vacation time, but I would like to break that cycle at Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.