[LBW]

It's been almost a month since I came to this site and decided that I would quit drinking once and for all. I have learned so much about this disease and myself. It feels like curtains moved and the wizard was exposed.

One thing I realized is that this alcoholic voice is not me, it's a different entity, it's the disease talking. I let that voice talk to me for years and years brainwashing me into believing my life and all these various activities would not be fun without alcohol. Realizing all this about the voice is not exactly the same thing as defeating it... but it's a start.

I look at people drinking beer and the very first thought I have is how great that would be. I feel the compulsion inside me to want to do it too. It's that alcoholic voice talking. Thing is I believe it when the voice talks about drinking being fun. I also believe it when it tells me I am not that bad of an alcoholic. I mean I KNOW intellectually that neither of those things is true, but deep down inside I think I BELIEVE the opposite.

So how do I change that? How do I undo years of brainwashing?

Here's what I've come up with so far:

First, I've been working on feeling grateful for not drinking. Every single time I think about drinking, whether it be just more contemplation or if I see someone drinking at a restaurant, I think to myself, "Thank GOD I don't do that anymore." Then I force myself to remember the misery, guilt, shame and helplessness I felt during my most intense drinking years. I force myself to remember something horrible I did while drinking. Reading posts on this site about other people's struggles really helps me remember. I've been thinking about getting a small notebook and writing all the shameful things I've done while drinking down (but I'd have to write it in code since there's alot of things in there I wouldn't want anyone to ever see).

Second, I've been coming up with things I can do now that I no longer drink, now that I am free. There are so many things I've wanted to do but I didn't have the time. Drinking is time consuming. Hang overs are time consuming. Now that I'm no longer drinking, I will have time to read books. I will have time to finally work on my son's scrapebook. I will have time to draw - I used to be a really good artist but I haven't done anything creative in years. I will have time to work on improving myself in other respects too like my diet, my appearance and my relationships. Even going to the movies seems like something new I can do... For years I haven't gone to a movie unless it was at a movie tavern... which usually meant I got so bombed I barely understood what was going on.

Third, I've started challenging the voice about what I think is only fun with beer. When I first told myself I'd never drink again, there was a big feeling of panic that bubbled to the surface. I remember thinking, "I'll never have another fun vacation, watch a fun football game, have fun at a wedding, or even just really relax and enjoy myself." What I've been trying to do is visualize myself having fun or relaxing doing those things without drinking. At first, all I could do was visualize myself NOT having fun while doing those things... but now I'm starting to make progress in the positive direction.

Vacations, for instance. In the past, the main activity on my vacations was drinking... Las Vegas, New Orleans, cruises, beaches whereby I would sit by the ocean and get bombed. That was my definition of vacation for so many years... another product of the brainwashing.

Now, I've come up with ideas for vacations that center around an athletic activity or some other activity. Hiking the Grand Canyon. Snowskiing. Horsback riding. Camping. Exploring the ruins in places like Rome or Greece or even Egypt. (hey, I can dream, right?) What about this: Planning to run a marathon in a neat city I want to see. I've run a couple of half-marathons but never a marathon. Everyone says it's a spiritual experience to complete one... the level of committment and determination you have to pull from within yourself just to train for one... when you finally run it, you feel this sense of accomplishment like you can do anything. Why not plan a vacation around THAT??

As far as relaxing on a vacation, why not do a spa day?? What could be more relaxing than that?! Couldn't be anymore expensive than the cost of all that drinking I was doing! Beers on vacation are not cheap, ya know. I'd drink $100 a day worth easily.

Epiphany: As far as vacations are concerned, I'm not limited now... I was limited then. Spending 50% of my vacation drinking and 50% nursing hang overs was extremely limiting!

I still have alot of work to do before I really change my deep down beliefs about alcohol. I spent alot of years brainwashing myself... It's going to take some time to undo all that damage. I am optimistic that one day not drinking will be second nature to me... that one day the thought of drinking will be what seems unnatural.