Hi Bohn
I once felt like you do too, and still can when I allow myself to interact with my alchoholic. The pain and horror you describe is what I get every single time.
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He bullies me, only ever see me to sleep with me and then I have to pay for the motel,
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My dear, why do you have to pay for the motel? Why are you sleeping with a man who disrespects you so? Can you stop? If not, you may be where I was just a few weeks ago, a month ago. My alcoholic was my drug and I needed to go cold turkey before I felt better.
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never pays his half of the cell phone bills he begged me to add him to
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This ones easy. Cancel it!
which includes you apparently. So just say no!
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and I am so lonely and depressed and he is having a good old time somewhere tonight. Told me he was going to a AA meeting--who knows? Still blames me for everything--I am never around etc.
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Do you have children? If not, your answer is easy. Do you have other friends? How about a hobby? Or any other aspect of your life that you are interested in besides your relationship with this man?
Leaving my abusive, womanizing, unrepentive, controlling, selfish, childish husband was one of the hardest things I've ever done--even though he had treated me so badly.
But I started looking at the reasons why i stayed with someone who treated me so badly, started turning the focus on myself.
That is how I got out of the pain and destruction, even though I do slip back into the pain, but at least I no longer live with him.
I'm so glad you're here and I"m sure others will have way more wisdom to share.