[transformyself]

Last night I had nightmares for the first time since I left AH. He screamed and yelled at me yesterday, I mean SCREAMED that he didn't know what I wanted from him, after I confronted him about drinking what little money he has away. I have been asking him for some extra cash for groceries but he's resentful about it.

yesterday I struggled- a lot- with feeling guilty. I did some things I shouldn't have, mainly give a s*** about what he's doing, and try to discuss his drinking. But I took his inventory and raged at him through an email first. It was ugly. Then I texted him to apologize, after coming out of my codie induced tantrum. But by then he was yelling, "are you getting all this? Are you recording it so you can take the kids from me?" and all kinds of other things. I truly felt bad for "upsetting" him.

But last night I had that same nightmare I've had for the duration of my marriage to him. Him laughing it up with other women, I was crying because he doesn't love me and everyone was laughing at me. I would go off by myself, hysterical, and no one cared.

This also represents my marriage to him. And my childhood. Really.

Today I hate him. I hate him for blaming me, for coming home and lying to me about not caring about that bimbo any more. I'm just angry again, I"m having crying jags that surprise me, like a sneeze.

Today I hate myself for loving him, for chasing after a man who isn't worthy of licking my shoes, for wasting 14 years of my life, for believing his lies.

I know this is just a PTSD trigger and will take some anti anxiety drugs and it will go away. Then, most importantly, next time I will try to catch myself before engaging with him.

I know this trigger today, this coating of pain and abandonment, is not even really about him. It's deep, it's ancient and it's not going to steal another day from me. Not one more hour, minute or second.

I am grateful I can see it for what it is. I am grateful I have tools to squash it and refocus on what matters--my kids , getting a job and taking care of myself. It will be a challenge for a minute to refocus on myself, but each time it does get easeri.

I AM LEAVING HIM NOW
IT IS MY CHOICE
I AM FREE OF HIM AND HIS TOXIC BEHAVIOR
ALL OF THIS IS FOR MY GREATER GOOD