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nsanendmembrain · 11-07-2009, 08:18 AM

I was trying to respond to my post yesterday, but the thread looks closed. (??) To answer some questions, though:

1. I was both venting AND asking for outside feedback. I try to do that instead of going around and around in my brain by myself. (not good)

2. S.O. goes behind me and searches the computer, so Christmas shopping must be done on "private search". I have also been having some health issues and actually was doing some research on cancer (didn't want to wig him out...as he would do). So the "lying" was a lie of omission that I was actually also shopping (I don't think I was clear on that).

3. Was there ever trust there? I don't know. *I* believe that trust is beyond him. Our history just aggravates that.

4. I shared all of this in my appointment yesterday with the therapist. The therapist said that S.O. is mentally ill with a diagnosable anxiety disorder and I set it off when I do *anything* that is not 100% transparent. (BTW, s.o. sees the same therapist for individual and we see her together for marriage counseling....every week.) I asked her about "my" privacy and she said that if I want to stay with him, I have none. (I get questioned if I close the door for using the toilet or showering....that's what I mean by "none")

I am trying to focus on my recovery as much as possible, but it's hard when that entails phone calls and meetings (he checks up on my phone records, and quizzes me about meetings..."how was meeting, who was there, what was the topic, who chaired...etc."). I think I didn't realize that this is abuse because he is very codie, has never hit me, and assumes the victim/martyr role.

I want to leave but I feel stuck. Maybe the homeless shelter will have more appeal after the holidays. I just want to give the kids a nice Christmas first.

It really helps me to write it all out and look at it. Makes it real. **sigh**

Thanks for letting me share.

11-07-2009, 08:18 AM	#1 (permalink)
nsanendmembrain Member Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 6	Trust I was trying to respond to my post yesterday, but the thread looks closed. (??) To answer some questions, though: 1. I was both venting AND asking for outside feedback. I try to do that instead of going around and around in my brain by myself. (not good) 2. S.O. goes behind me and searches the computer, so Christmas shopping must be done on "private search". I have also been having some health issues and actually was doing some research on cancer (didn't want to wig him out...as he would do). So the "lying" was a lie of omission that I was actually also shopping (I don't think I was clear on that). 3. Was there ever trust there? I don't know. I believe that trust is beyond him. Our history just aggravates that. 4. I shared all of this in my appointment yesterday with the therapist. The therapist said that S.O. is mentally ill with a diagnosable anxiety disorder and I set it off when I do anything that is not 100% transparent. (BTW, s.o. sees the same therapist for individual and we see her together for marriage counseling....every week.) I asked her about "my" privacy and she said that if I want to stay with him, I have none. (I get questioned if I close the door for using the toilet or showering....that's what I mean by "none") I am trying to focus on my recovery as much as possible, but it's hard when that entails phone calls and meetings (he checks up on my phone records, and quizzes me about meetings..."how was meeting, who was there, what was the topic, who chaired...etc."). I think I didn't realize that this is abuse because he is very codie, has never hit me, and assumes the victim/martyr role. I want to leave but I feel stuck. Maybe the homeless shelter will have more appeal after the holidays. I just want to give the kids a nice Christmas first. It really helps me to write it all out and look at it. Makes it real. sigh Thanks for letting me share.