[Pelican]

Welcome to the Sober Recovery family Reata!

I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. It sounds like you are doing the next right thing for yourself and your daughter.

When I left my AH, I was also wanting to set a better example for my son and daughter (teens). I did not want them to accept unacceptable behavior in their future relationships, therefore, I needed to set the example.

I wanted the relationship to change. I wanted him to want sobriety and keep our family whole. I wanted him to be the change. But it was my responsibility to be the change. I had to let him be himself.

I learned here and at Alanon meetings:

The three C's
I did not cause his addiction
I can not control his addiction
I will not cure his addiction

Your AH is trying to guilt trip you with the bed partner comment. He can and likely will say and do much worse to try and keep you, his enabler, in his life. You have always been there to make everything okay after he verbally abuses, neglects, disrespects, manipulates, blames, guilts and lies. If you stop making everything okay, he will start to panic. His behavior may become extreme as he trys to control you and keep the status quo.

I needed to set boundaries, have a plan and a good support system to resist the extreme behaviors that were attempts to keep the status quo in my relationship. I had to establish no contact except discussing the children. I would hang up if he began to complain or beg. I had to walk away from his sarcasm and threats. I had to think of my needs and my childrens needs when the desperation looks and pleas started. I had to remember that I was not his rescuer. He is an adult and has to take care of himself. I resigned as his caretaker and found that I had a lot of my own personal caretaking to do. I decided that I am worth the effort.

I think you are taking a healthy step towards taking care of yourself and your child. Good on you.

Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home. We are here to support you.