Hey ThisKidKnows!
Welcome!
It sounds like you've got the desire to stop using (awesome), and you've had a couple of important realizations about where using actually wants to take us -- 6 feet under. As long as you're willing to stick with it one day at a time, you can get your freedom back. You can win the fight.
I smoked heroin for 6 years. What had started as recreational abuse turned into an unrelenting night and day addiction. As of today, I'm 235 days clean. I detoxed at home, and I know it can be done.
Detox isn't all butterflies and candy canes (actually I can't remember seeing either one during my own), but in the grand scheme of things it is such a teeny tiny price to pay to be able to get your life back on track. It's not easy, just worth it. Drinking lots of liquids to stay hydrated, taking hot baths and sticking with lots of good, positive distractions can help to make things a bit easier. Chicken soup was one of the easiest things for me to eat. All of the symptoms will pass, and come out on the other side with a new chance at becoming the person you were born to be.
Someone told me that getting clean and staying clean are two different things, and now I know what they mean. After an absurd amount of resistance to the idea, I decided to give NA a try. I am so unspeakably grateful to be part of the rooms now. Recovery to me is mostly about learning how to live like the person I was trying (and desperately failing) to be when I was doing drugs. So I'll suggest the same thing to you; you truly don't have go down this road alone. There is so much hope and help to be had. Even if you have reservations, it's worth a try. There are other recovery programs out there as well (like SMART). Just accept help from people who have been there.
I wish you all the strength and determination you need. You can do this! Just for today, don't pick up.
Hugs hugs!!
