I'm not really sure why I'm telling you this; I suppose I need to talk it out with someone who might understand. I figured you might be the person, as hey, we're all here for the same reason, right? Same commonality, anyway.
I met a guy online the beginning of last year. To say we clicked, is an understatement. I grew more attached, and the closer we got, the more I realized something was really wrong. You see, because we lived far away, we mainly just talked on the phone a lot, and it became evident that his behavior was odd. We talked about it, and he admitted to being an alcoholic, but that he'd been pondering getting help, because he knows it's a problem. He advised he was going to check out counseling through his program at work, which he did. They suggested AA, and he got as far as mapping out a walk route to the nearest AA meeting, and putting the directions in his pocket, but that's about it.
We'd made trips to see eachother, but obviously, as time went on and help did not occur, things just got worse and worse. He missed a flight out here, because he was too drunk the night before, and had to catch a later flight. Things like rude comments when we talked on the phone, picking fights for no reason at all over things that were just so ridiculous, grew more common. It finally came to a head, when things just got to be too much, and he'd began suggesting things I could do, to help him. I asked him what he was going to do to help himself, and he'd suggested that within a certain timeframe, he would get help. I wanted to be the supportive girlfriend, so I went with it. But of course, two weeks before the "due date," he called me up, and broke up with me. No, we weren't fighting, everything - aside from his obvious problem - was good. Great, even. We'd talked about the next time we were going to see each other just a day before. And then, bam. His reasons? Get this. We're "incompatible." We're together for a year, and we're incompatible? Now, I know the true reason behind it, is that he knew either he would have to stop drinking per his own plan, or I would leave him. I guess he figured he'd beat me to the punch and pull out any reason he could think of, under the sun.
Of course I was crushed. This all happened back October of last year. We've remained... friends, I guess, you could say. I went out there this past summer and stayed with him, on my vacation. I guess I wanted to see how he was. Check in on him. He was trashed every evening, and was kind of in his own little world while I sorta did my own thing. Things happened, if you will, a couple nights while I was there, I probably acted a bit irresponsibly, as did he. All in all, though, I had a wonderful time in a city I love, and then the last night I was there, he picks a fight with me, over guess what? Bottled water.
We didn't talk for a number of months after I got home. What's there to say? He said he's sorry, like he usually does, and I know he's sorry, because I know deep down it's the disease, not him as a person. Recently, we've chatted a bit lately. Just general conversations, but one we had a couple nights ago, really got to me. He basically talked to me about how he'd like to find a girl that's just as much into a certain music genre, that he is. Of course, he's loaded when we're having this conversation. He says he wants someone that knows music like he does - can play instruments. It left me stunned.
I play three instruments. I took music theory in college, and performed with many symphonic concert bands from grade six through college level. He never got a chance to know that about me. When I told him all this, he was floored. Said he "didn't ever see this side of me." And it bothered me, which prompted me to write to you.
The thing that I fight with, is this. (Sorry for the long backstory.) I fell in love with a man who has the sweetest core to him. I fell in love with a guy who used to tell me he couldn't wait to wake up to me every single morning, a guy who used to kiss my shoulder and do this cute foot thing under the blankets every night when I was with him, before he drifted off. I reveled in these things. That is the person I fell in love with. It's not that I overlooked his problem - his problem is why I feel our relationship came to a crashing halt. It was doomed from the start, really. But yet here I sit, writing to you, still in love with a man who can't see that his problem is why we ended. It wasn't our differences, or incompatibilities - it was the giant pink elephant in the room that he wanted to ignore and pretend wasn't there, when it was there *all the time*, for me. I'm the one who was left wondering, "Will he even remember this heart-felt conversation we just had? Did he really mean the nasty things he just said? Where are we going?" every. single. night. I'm the one who was left with the aftermath of it all, he'd just pick up a bottle and drink some more and forget it ever happened, and it makes me angry, yet I still love him. I still love him because he's the man I wanted to marry, if the booze wasn't in the picture. The booze does not make him who he is, deep down. It's just unfortunate that as long as it's in his life, he will never find anything meaningful.
I gotta say though - hearing about how he wanted to find another girl that was more into hip hop? Who loved it as much as he did? It stung. I feel like I've been more than patient. This is a man I wanted to marry, heh. That isn't normal for me to say. I feel like I've done so much for him, and loved him more than he'll ever be able to comprehend, hoping for the day that he'd decide, "Okay, I'm ruining my relationship, I've got to stop this."
It just never happened.
I make him sound like a total douchebag. He's not. He's kind, sweet, sincere, a very loving man - when he's not drinking. That's who I fell in love with. Sometimes he's still like this when he's drunk. Other times, he's a jerk. You just never know what you're going to get, pretty much.
We're not even together anymore. So many people tell me to move on. Hit up Al-Anon meetings, which I've done. They've helped. And I've dated other people. But something in the core of me, gravitates back to him. And a part of me feels like there's something he's not letting go of, either, when it comes to us. I remember when he told me he felt closer to me than his own family. I guess I just wonder where all that went, you know? Does it ever go away? Does he even remember what we had? Does he care about me, deep down, or am I just some random girl he was able to get rid of quickly? I'd like to think not, but it all becomes so confusing and so messy on what's real and what's not, that it's hard to tell sometimes.
I guess this is all **** I just think about. He's a good man, and I miss him. He's someone I thought I'd have a future with. We used to laugh about getting married in a Russian Orthodox church even though neither of our families are Russian. Heh. Those are memories I'll forever hold on to, because they're of who he is, deep down. I just wonder where he went, or if I'll ever see him again. Wish I could get him back. I sure miss him.
