[peoby]

After my 2nd drink I lose all control. I have a 20 beer a day ritual. After the 6th beer I'm on the metro going to score some coke. My bartender friends buy me drinks. I haven't bought food in weeks. Food is no longer important. I just want to lose myself....hang out in bars and meet other crazies. I've lost every job I've ever had to this. I went to rehab in 2006... lasted 3 weeks until I hopped on a bus to the airport and hit the bar. I've come to grips that I'm a failure at life...and this makes me want to drink more. I spent every cent I had last night. Now I'm broke and alone. I think about suicide every day but don't have the guts to go through with it. I just see this continuing until something accidentally happens that will end it. I'm laughing at myself as I write this... what a joke I am. I can't even feel sorry for myself. I deserve this misery because I'm weak and useless... and I can see insanity not too far in the distance if this continues... life without booze seems impossible to me.... just as much as living with it is.