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Your post really speaks to me.
It's so important to do more than just stop using, because we have to have a life we find worth living.
Those things are possible,to not use AND have an exciting life worth the effort. that is where the work comes in and pays off, creating that life. It's not the special task of the addict or ex addict, it's the essential task of life for everyone.
If we start feeling like we've got an extra burden on us because of our addiction, we screw ourselves. It's that way for everybody. We all have to create a life worth living.
I know sobriety frees me up to be able to find that life I want, to create it.
substances don't give me what I really want, just an illusion of what I want that comes at way too high a price. I can build what I really want, I am building it.
I know how easy it is to fall into that line of thinking though, "look at what sobriety is robbing me of"...but that is a lie.
The last time I thought I'd treat myself to a 'night off" and use...well, I got reminded just how big a lie.
I got reminded and quick.
but when I stop using, I stop by choice, not because I am compelled but because it truly serves me to do so.
that's the only way we ever truly become clean is when we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that not using is what we choose because it best serves us.
I ain't doing it for mommy, or daddy, or my partner, or to get my boss off my back, or to prove to so and so that I can...I'm doing it for me, because this is my life and I want it.
I don't blame my crappy days on not using, I mean really...look how many crappy days I had when I was using. Guess there must be something else that makes them crappy or not. guess I'll focus on what that something else might be.
your post scares me, because I've said those same things to myself
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