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NEOMARXIST · 11-06-2009, 01:47 PM

Day 121 of sobriety.

Crap day at work, feeling bored and discontented with life again. Feeling of mundaness back in my life again now that I have built my life back up to a "normal" leve again. Everything seems so mundane. I crave the excited/anticipation feeling that getting beers for a session used to give and the general madness; even if it was just on my own.

I am finding the thought of never drinking/drugging hard to comprehend and i feel like I am just "existing" again with no excitement/thrills in my life. I am feeling more and more self-conscious again and feel my mood getting more depressed. I am finding that whenever I think of doing/going to any activity I do not feel whole without the anticipation/experience of having the alcohol/drugs. That was what I used to love, I was genuinely someone who loved drink/drugs and altering my mood as a recreational activity. I know it is so very damaging to me in the long-run but I crave some excitement. I loved thinking of myself as the outlaw and the child of the chemical generation to some extent. I get a feeling like I am mourning a lost best friend when i think about not having drinking in my life anymore.

I can't see how I am going to build a vibrant social life up as I feel like I have little in common with people on a deep level and the people I did used to have lots in common with all obviously drink/drug. I feel sad at referring to my life as a past life.

I am literally keeping it One day at a time at the moment. Feel OK now as i am full of Coca-Cola and Curry but it feels like I am just living for the next "normal day" ie- no hangover, remember everything from night before etcetcetcetc... I know that drinking for me equals pain, suffering and despair but maybe I loved that? I dunno my thinking is screwing at the moment. I am an alcoholic but maybe thats OK? Thats me?

I am scared to try to get a relationship with any girl as i am shy and self-conscious.

I cannot really do anything as I don't want to be around drinkers but I relate to them so well even though i dont like myself when I am drunk... I dunno just feeling a bit crap about sobriety at the moment and feel depressive thoughts coming on and so drinking enters my mind. I dunno I guess it really hard at 23 to totally give up booze and drugs especially when thats an activity that I loved and made me feel whole...

Life seems so mundane and boring.

11-06-2009, 01:47 PM	#1 (permalink)
NEOMARXIST Member Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 1,996	Worst Day... Day 121 of sobriety. Crap day at work, feeling bored and discontented with life again. Feeling of mundaness back in my life again now that I have built my life back up to a "normal" leve again. Everything seems so mundane. I crave the excited/anticipation feeling that getting beers for a session used to give and the general madness; even if it was just on my own. I am finding the thought of never drinking/drugging hard to comprehend and i feel like I am just "existing" again with no excitement/thrills in my life. I am feeling more and more self-conscious again and feel my mood getting more depressed. I am finding that whenever I think of doing/going to any activity I do not feel whole without the anticipation/experience of having the alcohol/drugs. That was what I used to love, I was genuinely someone who loved drink/drugs and altering my mood as a recreational activity. I know it is so very damaging to me in the long-run but I crave some excitement. I loved thinking of myself as the outlaw and the child of the chemical generation to some extent. I get a feeling like I am mourning a lost best friend when i think about not having drinking in my life anymore. I can't see how I am going to build a vibrant social life up as I feel like I have little in common with people on a deep level and the people I did used to have lots in common with all obviously drink/drug. I feel sad at referring to my life as a past life. I am literally keeping it One day at a time at the moment. Feel OK now as i am full of Coca-Cola and Curry but it feels like I am just living for the next "normal day" ie- no hangover, remember everything from night before etcetcetcetc... I know that drinking for me equals pain, suffering and despair but maybe I loved that? I dunno my thinking is screwing at the moment. I am an alcoholic but maybe thats OK? Thats me? I am scared to try to get a relationship with any girl as i am shy and self-conscious. I cannot really do anything as I don't want to be around drinkers but I relate to them so well even though i dont like myself when I am drunk... I dunno just feeling a bit crap about sobriety at the moment and feel depressive thoughts coming on and so drinking enters my mind. I dunno I guess it really hard at 23 to totally give up booze and drugs especially when thats an activity that I loved and made me feel whole... Life seems so mundane and boring.