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sodetermined · 11-06-2009, 01:11 PM

Hello everyone ~

Alcoholic/addict bf has been gone since Sunday (my choice). I have had very minimal contact with him this week. He called Monday evening wanting to "get together", I said no. I saw him for a minute Wednesday (I had to drop some money off to him that I owed him) and he asked if I wanted to stay. I said no. When he called about the money he told me he was getting a place and need it, which I believe was a ploy to get to me, which worked.

I have been able to keep my emotions under control for most of the week, until today that is.

C tried contacting me here at work yesterday, I didn't answer, and tried hard to resist calling back but caved. Thankfully he wasn't there by the time I did call.

I had some anxiety yesterday, but went through the day, went grocery shopping, even managed to work out last night. I haven't heard from him since.

I had my therapy appt. this morning, it went good and I was feeling pretty strong, but for some reason in the last hour or so I'm just feeling so empty and sad, desperately wanting to talk to him, I miss him, or the old him.

I am trying to remember the bad and how awful he was last week when he was there and crashing from the drugs, I am trying to remember that nothing has changed with him, and also am trying to remember that nothing good would come from talking to him, but I am really struggling with it.

Weekends are usually when we start the cycle again...he calls me (of course wanting to know that I am safely tucked away at home with my son and not out having fun)...and I (feeling lonely and sad and missing him) agree to see him....we get intimate and the cycle starts all over again. I am worried that I will cave.

I don't know what is worse, him not calling at all making me feel as if he doesn't care, or if him calling wanting to see me (or him calling and making me feel bad for "throwing away 4 1/2 years"). I wish I was at the point where my emotions/thoughts had nothing to do with what he is doing or thinking, but I am not.

I am really hurting today, I hate drugs and alcohol.

11-06-2009, 01:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
sodetermined Formerly known as soconfused11 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Colon, MI Posts: 410	Feeling so weak Hello everyone ~ Alcoholic/addict bf has been gone since Sunday (my choice). I have had very minimal contact with him this week. He called Monday evening wanting to "get together", I said no. I saw him for a minute Wednesday (I had to drop some money off to him that I owed him) and he asked if I wanted to stay. I said no. When he called about the money he told me he was getting a place and need it, which I believe was a ploy to get to me, which worked. I have been able to keep my emotions under control for most of the week, until today that is. C tried contacting me here at work yesterday, I didn't answer, and tried hard to resist calling back but caved. Thankfully he wasn't there by the time I did call. I had some anxiety yesterday, but went through the day, went grocery shopping, even managed to work out last night. I haven't heard from him since. I had my therapy appt. this morning, it went good and I was feeling pretty strong, but for some reason in the last hour or so I'm just feeling so empty and sad, desperately wanting to talk to him, I miss him, or the old him. I am trying to remember the bad and how awful he was last week when he was there and crashing from the drugs, I am trying to remember that nothing has changed with him, and also am trying to remember that nothing good would come from talking to him, but I am really struggling with it. Weekends are usually when we start the cycle again...he calls me (of course wanting to know that I am safely tucked away at home with my son and not out having fun)...and I (feeling lonely and sad and missing him) agree to see him....we get intimate and the cycle starts all over again. I am worried that I will cave. I don't know what is worse, him not calling at all making me feel as if he doesn't care, or if him calling wanting to see me (or him calling and making me feel bad for "throwing away 4 1/2 years"). I wish I was at the point where my emotions/thoughts had nothing to do with what he is doing or thinking, but I am not. I am really hurting today, I hate drugs and alcohol. __________________ I will stand back up, You'll know just the moment when I've have enough, Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough, But I'll stand back up.