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ncgirl · 11-06-2009, 07:55 AM

I understand what it feels like when the codie in me hijacks my serenity. It does not even take a second for it to kick in. The "it" being the insanity of feeling "out of control". For me, this occurs when the addict lies to me, and I find out. My world tips over and I get reactive. If I don't hold it together, I get reactive with him, which is never a good thing.
Please don't beat yourself up. We are programmed. We are "addicted" to the addict. I will share one of my more disgusting stories with you: The addict came to my house late at night and said he needed $10 to buy ice cream for his kids. I gave him the money. The next morning, I did not hear from him. I called his kids cell and they told me they found a pipe and their dad was sleeping. They were with their mom at the time. I drove over there. The door was open and I walked in and found the pipe. CH was asleep and I woke him up and asked him how the ice cream was. The immediately confronted him with the pipe, THEN I took a hammer and went to the 32 inch tv I just bought him and shattered the screen, screaming that he was not going to give away the TV for drugs. Then I walked out. Great behavior, huh. In retrospect, I should have stayed away and let the consequences fall. In retrospect, I should not react. In reality, I do react. That is why no contact is the only way I can get through active addiction. Even on those rare occassions when my gut was wrong, and he was fixing the stereo, or doing something benign, my insides still react and it is not healthy for me. The addict stops when the pain of using is worse than the pain of trying to be and stay clean. For me, the pain of being around him in active addiction is too great. It makes me crazy. He does not make me crazy, my codie triggers make me crazy. I feel one inch big. If I were only ???? or ?????, then he would not have to use. Why am I not???whatever? Guess what, I am not his problem. he is his problem and nothing I do will affect his using EXCEPT is I mind my own business and stay out of his, then maybe, just maybe, the isolation of using/drinking and losing every human being in his life, might motivate him to try to change. I doubt it, but it is not worth it for me to watch anymore.
You are not alone. Wish I could give you a hug in person.

NC Girl

11-06-2009, 07:55 AM	#4 (permalink)
ncgirl Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 26	I understand what it feels like when the codie in me hijacks my serenity. It does not even take a second for it to kick in. The "it" being the insanity of feeling "out of control". For me, this occurs when the addict lies to me, and I find out. My world tips over and I get reactive. If I don't hold it together, I get reactive with him, which is never a good thing. Please don't beat yourself up. We are programmed. We are "addicted" to the addict. I will share one of my more disgusting stories with you: The addict came to my house late at night and said he needed $10 to buy ice cream for his kids. I gave him the money. The next morning, I did not hear from him. I called his kids cell and they told me they found a pipe and their dad was sleeping. They were with their mom at the time. I drove over there. The door was open and I walked in and found the pipe. CH was asleep and I woke him up and asked him how the ice cream was. The immediately confronted him with the pipe, THEN I took a hammer and went to the 32 inch tv I just bought him and shattered the screen, screaming that he was not going to give away the TV for drugs. Then I walked out. Great behavior, huh. In retrospect, I should have stayed away and let the consequences fall. In retrospect, I should not react. In reality, I do react. That is why no contact is the only way I can get through active addiction. Even on those rare occassions when my gut was wrong, and he was fixing the stereo, or doing something benign, my insides still react and it is not healthy for me. The addict stops when the pain of using is worse than the pain of trying to be and stay clean. For me, the pain of being around him in active addiction is too great. It makes me crazy. He does not make me crazy, my codie triggers make me crazy. I feel one inch big. If I were only ???? or ?????, then he would not have to use. Why am I not???whatever? Guess what, I am not his problem. he is his problem and nothing I do will affect his using EXCEPT is I mind my own business and stay out of his, then maybe, just maybe, the isolation of using/drinking and losing every human being in his life, might motivate him to try to change. I doubt it, but it is not worth it for me to watch anymore. You are not alone. Wish I could give you a hug in person. NC Girl