[cassandra2]

Ok so I slipped. I felt really bad about it last night and now I am hear telling on myself in hopes of stopping the regression and getting back to progression.

My RABF was suppose to come to my house last night and spend some well needed time with me and the kids. Because of his work schedule and school schedule he doesnt have alot of extra time during the week. So the plan was that I was going to my poll dancing class and he would come spend time with the kids while I was gone. He had told me that he was going to get his car stereo installed and be at my house when he was done.

So after my class let out I dropped my friend off and headed home. Thinking he would be at my house. Nope. I pulled into my driveway and he wasnt there. So I picked up the phone to call him and he did NOT answer his phone. Suddenly I was angry. I mean really angry. Then I started thinking (spinning) and I really tried to address it with myself asking myself why I was angry. I was angry because he wasnt where he said he would be. Ok good now why does that bother you and then started the thoughts that he never has not answered his phone since he has been clean. That was it. The anger I felt was because I had no control and I was scared to death that he was using.

But I still couldnt hold my self together. I got all panicky and started magical thinking with all of these terrible thoughts. After twenty minutes when I was just about to lose it I sent him a text. He answered and I immediately called him because I wanted to hear his voice.

Well low and behold him and his friend decided that installing a stereo would be easy. It took them four hours and not only that but they broke the stereo in the mean time. When I was talking with him he was kinda irriatated and he said he was upset about the stereo. He would be over in a bit.

Ok so fellow codies....Why is it that I couldnt have thought there was a rational explanation for him not answering the phone or him not being at my house? Why instead did I chose to go with the fear and panic and worst case scenerio.

I believe I still have some things to work on. I think this is a control issue at the root.

Any ideas, feedback?