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honoryourself · 11-05-2009, 12:45 PM

I never felt like that fairy tale realtionship existed.. when I met my AH I just felt so connected to him like it was meant to be. My counselor tried to get me to describe what it was about him that I loved and it was very hard for me to put it into words.

Obviously it was my sickness looking to fix his sickness. Maybe if I can make such a broken man into a respectable gentleman than I am as powerful as I need to be? Who knows... there were things I loved about him, but way more red flags. Maybe I thought they were 'challenges'.

I started to read 'getting the love you want' before I started going to al-anon and reading codependent no more. I actually bought all these marriage books because AH wouldn't go to counseling with me but agreed to work some books with me (ha ha! yeah right!) I read the first whole part of getting the love you want and started to recognize some interesting things in there. One of the concepts is that we are looking for someone to mirror our problems (to make them 'ok'), or someone to contrast with our problems or recreate our childhood problems or perceived weaknesses-- that way we can attempt to overcome them in adulthood and thereby heal ourselves. Somehow I wanted to overcome this man, and then everything would be OK. I have to give up on the idea that I can overcome him. I may love him and there may be some great things about him, but overall he was a very very poor choice for a husband. Looking at things like stability, alcohol and drug use, the verbal abuse in arguments and explosive temper, the controlling nature and the jealousy... I mean, what was I thinking?

It still hurts, there are still and always will be tender moments and memories.. but I am starting to see that that 'fairy tale feeling' that it was 'just meant to be', was more like my damage finding someone who fit the bill for my shortcomings. No one else was sick enough to stick around while I tried to fix them unsuccessfully. I am learning to keep my mouth shut, mind my own business, and only work on myself. I used to do that a lot, I'd lost that in my marriage.. now I'm doing it again, and it feels good.

11-05-2009, 12:45 PM	#5 (permalink)
honoryourself Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: east siiiide Posts: 254	I never felt like that fairy tale realtionship existed.. when I met my AH I just felt so connected to him like it was meant to be. My counselor tried to get me to describe what it was about him that I loved and it was very hard for me to put it into words. Obviously it was my sickness looking to fix his sickness. Maybe if I can make such a broken man into a respectable gentleman than I am as powerful as I need to be? Who knows... there were things I loved about him, but way more red flags. Maybe I thought they were 'challenges'. I started to read 'getting the love you want' before I started going to al-anon and reading codependent no more. I actually bought all these marriage books because AH wouldn't go to counseling with me but agreed to work some books with me (ha ha! yeah right!) I read the first whole part of getting the love you want and started to recognize some interesting things in there. One of the concepts is that we are looking for someone to mirror our problems (to make them 'ok'), or someone to contrast with our problems or recreate our childhood problems or perceived weaknesses-- that way we can attempt to overcome them in adulthood and thereby heal ourselves. Somehow I wanted to overcome this man, and then everything would be OK. I have to give up on the idea that I can overcome him. I may love him and there may be some great things about him, but overall he was a very very poor choice for a husband. Looking at things like stability, alcohol and drug use, the verbal abuse in arguments and explosive temper, the controlling nature and the jealousy... I mean, what was I thinking? It still hurts, there are still and always will be tender moments and memories.. but I am starting to see that that 'fairy tale feeling' that it was 'just meant to be', was more like my damage finding someone who fit the bill for my shortcomings. No one else was sick enough to stick around while I tried to fix them unsuccessfully. I am learning to keep my mouth shut, mind my own business, and only work on myself. I used to do that a lot, I'd lost that in my marriage.. now I'm doing it again, and it feels good.