 Signs you.......
Smoke Too Much
* In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break."
* Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.
* Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown."
* Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.
* Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.
* In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
* You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.
* You smoke during sex.
* You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys."
* You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.
Drink Too Much Coffee
*you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
*You lick your coffee pot clean.
*The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.
*You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward to prevent boredom.
*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
*You want to be cremated so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
*You can take a picture of yourself from 10 feet away without using the timer.
*Can jump start your car without cables.
*You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
*You buy sugar by the barrel.
*You wear the finish off your coffee table.
*You are so wired, you pic up AM radio.
*You channel surf faster without a remote.
*You are offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
*You short out motion detectors.
*The only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
*Kramer of Seinfeld thinks you need to calm down.
*You name your cats Cream & Sugar.
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
*Your nervous twitches register on the Richter scale.
*You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
*You're employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
*You chew on other people's fingernails.
*You don't sweat, you percolate.
*You walk ten miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
*Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
*When someone says how are you? you say "good to the last drop."
*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
*You don't tan, you roast.
*You don't get mad, you get steamed.
*You think C.P.R. stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
*All of your children are named Joe.
*You go to an AA meeting just to get the free coffee.
*Your T-shirt says Decaf Rules!
*You are able to outlast the energizer bunny.
*You get drunk just so you can sober up.
*Your survival kit has a pound of coffee & a grinder.
*You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
*You sleep with your eyes open.
*Your hand is molded to the shape of your coffee mug.
*You answer your door before anyone knocks.
*You spend every vacation in Kona, Hawaii.
*Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
*You have your blood tested, the results come back in acidity levels.
*Juan Valdez sends you a thank you card.
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