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We attract what we are, or more precisely, it's our matching mental illnesses that call out to each other, so until I worked on myself and did the steps all the lists in the world wouldn't help if I kept picking sick partners, which is all I was attracted to until I worked on myself.
I have been watching codies and alcoholics play this game for nearly twenty years, and the answer always lies within, become what you want in your life and it will appear, our partners are never the problem, our partners are just the manifestations of our symptoms.
When I am healthy those lists are meaningless, although couples counseling for navigating difficulties and learning what healthy boundaries are in our specific situation is helpful, and when I am unhealthy those lists are meaningless because the partners I pick wouldn't know a healthy behavior or boundary if it sh1t in their Easter basket.
This of course is just my opinion, I hope I was able to write this without being offensive, I haven't had quite enough coffee yet and sometimes I come across cranky when I don't mean to, this is just my personal experience with myself and 17 years of working with sponsees.
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