SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post

ncgirl · 11-04-2009, 08:50 AM

Sitting here at work, feeling that old churning feeling, the one you know, right in the gut. Have not heard from the ch a bf, and know he is isolating and hurting. I also know he has choices, as do I. I made my choice when he picked up again, that I was "done". Waiting for my body to connect with my brain. I have mostly "good" days, but nights are tough. I am missing the clean man, who managed to stay clean for 6 mos with no program. He was on meds (Lamictal and Topamax) which always work at keeping him from swinging, for a period of time. Doing lots of reading of Mellody Beattie, Language of Letting Go, and using my Alanon Sponsor. so, I am "doing" the "right things", but I still want to pick up the phone and leave a message, since he is not answering, or ride up the hill to where he is. I am not going to do it, but that does not mean my gut does not clench in anticipation of seeing him. It makes me so aware of my addiction to him. I wrote out all the bad occurrences that happened in the past 5 years. It took 2 pages. I did not write down any of the "good". I am concerned because my son is with his dad for the next 10 days and when I am alone, I have made contact with him in the past. I really think I will be OK, but there is a shred of doubt lurking there. Since I am being honest, I also want him to show up at my house, but that would mean he was desparate and usually means a request for money,which I am quite good at denying. Money was also my role in the relationship. I sent him to rehab twice, including a three week stay in an inhouse Psych Facility for PTSD, all of which he did and did the work. Just never did the follow up counseling that was highly recommended. I have been clinging to these boards the past few months, because I knew his using was right around the corner, and I knew the boundary that I set, which was if you pick up again, I am done. He had promised not to pick up, which he never did in his life because he is quite honest about being an addict/alcoholic. He thought he was "done", but apparently not. I have to be true to myself because I want a relationship with a man, not with a child who is over dependent on me and his mother, and who refuses to work any kind of program. As I write this, the churning feeling is going away, so thank you all for being there for me.

nc girl

11-04-2009, 08:50 AM	#3 (permalink)
ncgirl Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 26	That old churning feeling Sitting here at work, feeling that old churning feeling, the one you know, right in the gut. Have not heard from the ch a bf, and know he is isolating and hurting. I also know he has choices, as do I. I made my choice when he picked up again, that I was "done". Waiting for my body to connect with my brain. I have mostly "good" days, but nights are tough. I am missing the clean man, who managed to stay clean for 6 mos with no program. He was on meds (Lamictal and Topamax) which always work at keeping him from swinging, for a period of time. Doing lots of reading of Mellody Beattie, Language of Letting Go, and using my Alanon Sponsor. so, I am "doing" the "right things", but I still want to pick up the phone and leave a message, since he is not answering, or ride up the hill to where he is. I am not going to do it, but that does not mean my gut does not clench in anticipation of seeing him. It makes me so aware of my addiction to him. I wrote out all the bad occurrences that happened in the past 5 years. It took 2 pages. I did not write down any of the "good". I am concerned because my son is with his dad for the next 10 days and when I am alone, I have made contact with him in the past. I really think I will be OK, but there is a shred of doubt lurking there. Since I am being honest, I also want him to show up at my house, but that would mean he was desparate and usually means a request for money,which I am quite good at denying. Money was also my role in the relationship. I sent him to rehab twice, including a three week stay in an inhouse Psych Facility for PTSD, all of which he did and did the work. Just never did the follow up counseling that was highly recommended. I have been clinging to these boards the past few months, because I knew his using was right around the corner, and I knew the boundary that I set, which was if you pick up again, I am done. He had promised not to pick up, which he never did in his life because he is quite honest about being an addict/alcoholic. He thought he was "done", but apparently not. I have to be true to myself because I want a relationship with a man, not with a child who is over dependent on me and his mother, and who refuses to work any kind of program. As I write this, the churning feeling is going away, so thank you all for being there for me. nc girl