SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - I know it's an illness, but I'm so tired of dealing with it

husbandofacoa · 11-03-2009, 08:39 PM

Thanks to all of you who have responded. With all the pain that there is in the world, it is wonderful that there is loving fellowship among people who suffer from the family disease of addiction.

As I stated in my earlier post, I have been in Alanon for 5 years. It has changed my life. I ignore my wife's games for the most part. I call her hand when she starts to play them. However, I am truly grieving the loss of the relationship that I wanted to have. I am beginning to realize that I can have my own peace and ignore my relationship with my wife, or I can stay angry about the lack of a relationship that we have. What I can't have is for my wife to be the person that I want her to be.

She is never going to put any effort in our marriage. She will never fix herself up. She will never be a person that I can trust to include in business/social functions. I am always at risk if I take her to a church social (she doesn't go to Sunday School with me). I have to be prepared for a public attack. Although, since alanon and since stopping her games, much of this is better. I have learned that if she acts an ass, it is a reflection on her not me.

I have learned the hard way with my wife: say what you mean but mean what you say (and if possible, don't say it mean). In other words, if I am going to threaten divorce, I have to really mean it.

Again thank you all for your helpful words.

11-03-2009, 08:39 PM	#8 (permalink)
husbandofacoa Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 101	Thanks to all of you who have responded. With all the pain that there is in the world, it is wonderful that there is loving fellowship among people who suffer from the family disease of addiction. As I stated in my earlier post, I have been in Alanon for 5 years. It has changed my life. I ignore my wife's games for the most part. I call her hand when she starts to play them. However, I am truly grieving the loss of the relationship that I wanted to have. I am beginning to realize that I can have my own peace and ignore my relationship with my wife, or I can stay angry about the lack of a relationship that we have. What I can't have is for my wife to be the person that I want her to be. She is never going to put any effort in our marriage. She will never fix herself up. She will never be a person that I can trust to include in business/social functions. I am always at risk if I take her to a church social (she doesn't go to Sunday School with me). I have to be prepared for a public attack. Although, since alanon and since stopping her games, much of this is better. I have learned that if she acts an ass, it is a reflection on her not me. I have learned the hard way with my wife: say what you mean but mean what you say (and if possible, don't say it mean). In other words, if I am going to threaten divorce, I have to really mean it. Again thank you all for your helpful words.