[LaTeeDa]

First of all, he will not ruin them. He can ruin his relationship with them, but they have you as a sane parent, and that's much better than two insane parents.

I think at that age, Codependent No More is entirely appropriate. But, only if they want to read it. I like the way you approached it--helping them understand your behaviors. They might just end up understanding a little more about themselves, but that's out of your control.

The very most important thing you can do for them is set a good example. So, AH SAYS he will do this and that, but he actually DOES something different. Perfect opportunity to show them how to believe someone's actions, not their words. It takes time, but if you model healthy behavior, they will start to practice healthy behaviors, too.

I already said today in another thread that I often catch myself projecting my emotions onto my children. It's important to allow them their own feelings without inserting yours. Yes, your son is angry, but reinforcing that anger with your own is not helpful. As mom, your place is to listen, understand, and support.

One thing I found, to my surprise, was after my AH and I separated, I had to be very careful about turning my codependent behaviors toward my children. In fact, I think it's much harder to avoid behaving codpendently toward them than it was with him.

It is heartbreaking when a parent puts their own selfish needs above their children. It broke my heart, too. But, it is out of your control. As tough as it is, you have to show them how to let go. Big hugs to you. I know how hard it is.

L