[Enough4me]

I have had enough !!!

It has been a rough year for me, the realization that I have been what is called a Adult child of an Alcoholic has answered all my questions of the why's... Why is this happening..? Why again..? Why do I find myself so unyielding..? Why do I keep attracting the wrong type of person into my life...

This realization has thrown me into what we like to call MLC, mid life crisis which also resulted into a deep depression that has last most of all of this yr.

It all started when I fell for someone that was a supposedly a recovering alcoholic. In researching on what to do, I discover this site and what my problem has been all these yrs and realized that I have been influenced by these people most all my life. (its a wonder I'm not a alcoholic myself)

I have made a commitment in not to connect with people that had a need to self medicate and it has been working, I'm now meeting regular folks now and staying clear of the drunks.

I've learned that I don't have to accept it and I won't. It started this summer when I went to visit family and realized my father started drinking again after 2 yrs of sobriety. I was disappoint in him and decided that at 78 yrs of age, he was a grown man with the power of choice and I had the same power... I left and never said good bye and have not spoken to him since. Eventually I will approach him and tell him why and how he feels is his problem.

I only had one small minor detail in my life and that was my best friend of 15 yrs. I loved this man like a brother, he called me his brother as well. You could say he was my Oscar, remember the Odd Couple show?, We were 2 peas in a pod, from opposite ends, but from the same pod never the less. I cannot tell you how many times we would just sit on the porch and watch the wild life, break bread together... he was my friend...

My friend though was a alcoholic. Unlike others, he never drank and drove and didn't drink much when around me, but drank heavily at home.

He lost his job in May with no hopes of even finding another job, he was destined to lose his home, he finished himself off.

He was found Sept 28th incapacitated, severely dehydrated, malnutritious, failed liver and failed kidneys. Some how he survived another 30 days. I buried my best friend and a part of me this past weekend.

I cannot handle it no more... I have had enough and he was the last straw... I cannot allow this to happen any more, my heart cannot take it.

I cannot take the guilt of was there anything else I could have done...
The guilt of being an enabler
The guilt of letting my friend die
I'm done crying, no I'm not, I'm still grieving my loss.

If he could have only been one of those obnoxious, mean spirited jerks... I would have never befriended him, but he wasn't.

My friend was the most honest, loyal men I have ever met in my life. He had a gentle soul and all he ever wanted was to be excepted and loved. He drank because life never hesitated to kick him square in the teeth. He drank because he was lonely and he was hurting. I cannot recall one time where he criticized or belittled me in any way all the years I've known him. I cannot even attempt to say that about my own parents. Some how I excused his drinking because it was like I accepted it because he was such a loyal friend.

Never have I ever see him stumble around in public or be obnoxious to people... in fact quite the opposite. Like I said, he drank when no one was around.

I was the only one left that hadn't turn their backs on him... I was his true loyal friend and he was mine. I have tried and tried, I knew this day would come, but hoped that he would hit bottom and ask for help, but his bottom was death.

He told me many times in past years that he would never leave his home under his own power, losing his home was not an option. I guess part of me refused to acknowledge that he would go so far.

If anything my being there for him, giving him hope and inspiration has extended his lifespan. I remember a time when he was proud full of dreams and hopes, but life just kept kicking him the teeth... the recession was the last straw and his death is my last straw. Now I am left with nothing but guilt and sadness.

I wish I had the power to erase the last 18 months of my life and do over, because it has been nothing but a big void of nothingness followed by a good old fashion kick in the nuts.

I will miss my best friend, because he earned my love, but I will always hate the disease that took him away.

He died at the age of 44, never married, no children.
He might have died, be didn't die alone... he diead loved, clean and sober Oct 30th, 2009