Thanks guys for you posts. Your suggestion Bernadette was really helpful. It's changing that attitude and mindset that makes all the difference. I started replacing the "shoulds" with the "wills" and it really did make me feel better.
But the rest of this week has been really hard emotionally. I've found myself not liking to be alone. I have gotten very depressed these past few days and today's the first day I feel really that I'm starting to get out of it. I've been really busy with work/patrol/Halloween, but the moment I got home and on my own, I would just start to cry and feel empty. And the obsession with my ex amped up. I knew ski season would do that to me. We did most of our stuff together during ski season, and I have to get used to not driving over to his house after skiing anymore. Just a bunch of memories and triggers around for me right now I have to work through. It just complicates things emotionally. It's like I don't have just one situation to work through, it's 2.
But my therapist told me that a lot of the feelings I have are actually feelings of grief and mourning over all the years that I have been without family and all the things I've missed. It's part of the mourning process that I didn't even really realize I was going through. They send me photos and I've missed weddings, birthdays, watching the girls grow and just all the other life events. They send me photos of the time they all spend together at one of my nieces soccers games, and it makes me feel on the outside. I asked my nieces if they would just like to sit around the table one night and I would cook them dinner and we could get to know each other and they all responded but one. My sister said she was like that and don't take it personal. But at the same time, the girls don't know me. They were babies when I left. I don't want them to think they are obligated to spend time with me, but it really means the world to me if they do.
I also think reconnecting with them is also reconnecting with that part of me I've tried so hard to remove. The growing up with an abusive, dry drunk of a mother. All the pain and hardships she caused. My aunt (her sister), which I also recently go in touch with (and has always been a pretty functional alcoholic) stated that she didn't realize all the stuff going on in my house while growing up and she was sorry she wasn't there. I also had to deal with learning that my older cousin committed suicide at their house in 2007 after his wife had an affair and he was going through a bad divorce. God, do I know how he was feeling a bit.
But while I'm happy I have reconnected, it has also brought on a flurry of other emotions that I'm trying to deal with, and it's kinda hard. I'd have more theraphy session, but I can't afford them right now. Tired of burdening my best friend with this, so just trying to just realize they are feelings and will pass. But it's really hard. I'm hoping I'll be more emotionally stable after the visit.
But it's a start. We'll see what happens from here. I just keep telling myself that even if I don't understand it and it feels awful, God knows what he's doing and is bringing me where I need to go...even if he is dragging me by the ankles...
Thanks for reading...
