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Originally Posted by husbandofacoa  I realized after a couple of visits that the counciler sees this kind of behavior all the time. In the last meeting he started to work the conversation to her and her background. That was it and she never would go back. |
I shared your posts with my husband and he said that you were lucky to have a counselor that started to shift the focus to her and her background...a counselor who has experience with these types of situations. My husband and I have been to a couple of counselors who were not experienced in this area, and would shift the blame onto him. One even went as far as assuming that my husband was the problem! And I wasn't even trying to win the counselor to my side! They were not good counselors (seemed to be in it for the money and b/c it was a job).
Needless to say...when the counselor started shifting the focus onto her and she couldn't take it--that's when progress normally starts occuring. It is obvious that she doesn't want to be vulnerable and constantly tries to keep the focus on everyone else so that 1. no one recognizes her lies and insecurities and 2. so that no one can see her pain and point it out to her 3. she can avoid accountability for her actions 4. so that she herself doesn't have to face her own pain and reality. It sounds like she may have been afraid to break down and show weakness, failure, and hurt. If she is anything like my sister, she tries to appear to be strong to everyone and is a master at convincing the world as such--when in reality that is anything but the truth.
One thing I always noticed about my sister is that she has a really hard time making eye contact for a long period of time with people without giving body signals of being uncomfortable (smiling, awkwardness, trying to divert others attention, etc. to hide her insecure thoughts). I noticed that I also avoid eye contact with people b/c I fear having a deep connection with others. I fear being open to give and receive love freely. It's like i feel like a stifled crab who's been in hiding for years and only pokes it's head out once in a while with only a hard shell to display to others-pinching if believing it to be necessary--saying go away. Love doesn't belong here and I don't know how to accept it.
Coming to this realization alone has been tremendously difficult and painful. I am scared to death to allow someone to love me b/c that means allowing them to betray me. I once read a quote: Love is giving your husband the ability to destroy you, but trusting him not to. This has been paramount in my life and very difficult for me to do, but so natural for others who haven't grown up in abusive homes.
I want my husband to feel dignified, loved, and happy with the woman he is with. I want him to be able to tell others about how lucky he thinks he is the he is with me. However, i now realize that will never happen if I am constantly pushing him away and antagonizing his every attempt to love me. I am exhausted and he is hopelessly exhausted. So, it's time to turn a new leaf in my life. Now that I am choosing to let my AM go...turning my focus away from her (which kept me ensnared in bad patterns and kept me stagnant in moving forward..kept me in denial of my true feelings..and kept me from addressing my problems with intimacy) I am able to focus on what matters most now: learning to love, to be free to love and give it without expecting it to be wasted on someone who is just going to throw it away. I realize that my husband keeps giving me his love and I keep throwing it in the garbage trash...resisting it over and over again. As long as I kept fixating on my mother and all of those problems w/ my family of origin, I would never have to face myself.
Anyways, good luck to you again. My apologies for rambling, but it sort of helped me put my new revelations into perspective as well. Take care.
